Chad Central

A New Dark Age

2012-01-23T00:52:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia went dark on 18th January 2012. Which is to say that if you were to visit their website last Thursday, you would simply find a black page with a big "W" in the corner and a link to some information on why they decided to suspend their services that day. They went dark to protest a bill in the House of Representatives of the United States of America and to protest it's partner bill in the US Senate. The web giant Google also censored their homepage on that same day to protest the same legislation, urging visitors to learn more about this legislation and contact their representatives to voice their opinions on the matter. Redd.it, a massive online learning and socializing community also went dark on that same day for that same reason. Mozilla, Twitpic, craigslist, eBay, Facebook, PayPal, Tumblr, Twitter, Yahoo!, deviantART, foursquare, Etsy, imgur, Grooveshark, Vimeo, the MIT Media Lab and several hundred other individuals, businesses and other organizations also oppose this legislation and many of them either suspended services that day or came out with official statements condemning the legislation.

I know I opened with this but let me say it again: the free online encyclopedia beloved by high school and college students tasked with writing assignments the world-round was inaccessible on Thursday, the 18th of January, 2012.

Let me put it another way: a website dedicated to learning (and damned good at allowing people to do so) was unavailable last Thursday.

I know this sounds alarmist. I know this sounds insane. I know this sounds utterly ridiculous but these websites were very much in the right to close their doors last Thursday because if this legislation (or other legislation like it) were to become law, they may be shut down permanently. Let me elaborate:

The websites and companies mentioned above were protesting the following bills:

SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act - H.R.3261.IH (http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c112:H.R.3261:) and it's partner bill
PIPA (Protect Intellectual Property Act - S.968.RS (http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c112:S.968:).

The main points of these bills are as follows:
1) Any website anywhere that is dedicated to providing copyrighted material owned by US citizens or US businesses (operating, registered and paying taxes in the US) without legal approval by the copyright holder - assumed to include an agreement regarding royalties - is to be issued "cease and desist" orders - with the option (and very likely expectation) of a federal restraining order or injunction - effective immediately as of issuance. I assume these legal documents would come with the guns and federal agents to enforce them
2) Any website linking to a copyright-infringing website would also be considered liable and most likely the owners and operators would be arrested and charged under this bill
3) Any online advertiser that pays a website has a duty to guarantee they are not supporting such copyright-infringing websites if notified by the proper authorities that they are currently doing so
4) Any search engine has a duty to remove links and search results linking to such copyright-infringing websites (regardless of receiving a warning or not)

What is unconscionable about these pieces of legislation is the way they define websites and authority they claim on behalf of intellectual property originating in the USA. For one, they claim that a "domestic" website is any site that has been issued its domain name by a service operating in the USA or is hosted by a server operating in the USA (as most of the more popular ones are). This is without regard for the entity that purchased such services - whether that entity is a US citizen or foreign national, whether that entity is a US corporation or non-profit or another government or NGO. Furthermore, these definitions disregard ownership of such assets - the bill entirely ignores who owns the offending servers or complicit servers and companies except to declare that anyone caught infringing copyright or aiding in the infringement of copyright is liable for legal action. Furthermore, they define a "foreign" website as any web service or asset that does not fit the criteria of a "domestic" asset. Essentially what I am trying to say is that THESE BILLS WOULD NATIONALIZE THE INTERNET. They say "this content is ours and if you even think about giving it away, we are going to smash your face in - doesn't matter who you are." Which is to say these bills would dictate the way other countries write, interpret and enforce their copyright laws - completely ignoring their status as sovereign nations; an offense so glaring that it is easy to overlook (if that makes any sense).

The Internet as it currently stands is an international collaborative effort run by a non-profit organization and founded on an original infrastructure developed by DARPA for sharing information in an academic research setting (link - notice how it's a Wikipedia article that I'm citing). It now currently operates based on concepts (TCP/IP) developed by computer scientists - academic researches who are grant-funded and dedicated to the advancement of human knowledge and understanding of the natural world (not profits for large corporations) and is operated by a hodge-podge of various telecomm and Internet Service Providers who provide the backbone for data transfer and a veritable zoo of companies, individuals and governments that own and operate the servers that store the data that is transferred. Think of it like this - the US Federal Government provided tax dollars to support and build the original idea of the internet and gave it the room and original funding it needed to grow and become useful and now that it's allowing something they don't like to happen, they are taking it back.

Well, I suspect the rest of the world will call "no takers backsies" and develop their own system outside of the network located within the United States as this legislation clearly states that ANY resource within the US or providing access to anyone within the US is considered to be under the jurisdiction of this bill (even if the servers are in Kenya and the company who owns them is in Siberia) - in fact it's already happening.

This kind of language is another serious gaffe and demonstration of gross incompetency on the part of the writers of these bills. Either that or a near-covert attempt to dictate the behavior of other sovereign nations by dictating how their companies are run - even to the point of seizing property, halting operations and detaining and prosecuting individuals as I mentioned above. In fact, if you read the US House of Rep's version, there are sections of the bill dedicated to overseas actions to be taken - many of which seem to be targeted to the infamous "Black Market" and the fairly standard practice of slapping designer logos on counterfeit goods and selling them "at discounted prices" (relative to actual brand name goods). There is also a section of the House bill dedicated to restriction of "dangerous goods and services" hmmm.... curiouser and curiouser...

Well, regardless of the international community, I know for a fact that US citizens are calling "foul" on this and letting their representatives in Washington, D.C. know. And not because they do not want their copyrighted material protected, but because they understand that if these bills were to become law, they would completely destroy the very character of the Internet - no longer would you be able to share what you learn with other people, because that information is likely copyrighted. No longer would you be able to share a comic or a music video or a movie trailer with a friend of yours who might actually like it (and pay money to go see it and/or purchase it for him/herself), because those things are copyrighted. Many individuals who make their living online have been able to do so because of the digital equivalent of "word of mouth advertising" made possible by the current standards and practices that govern behavior on the web - they simply would not have been able to get their small businesses off the ground had these bills been law 5 or 4 or even 1 year ago.

But good news! Since the backlash that the various online communities have generated regarding this legislation, most Senators and representatives in Congress have dropped their support for these bills. Huzzah!!

BUT WAIT - More Bad News!!! There are two other current pieces of legislation that scare the bejeezus out of me and anyone else who hopes to see a free and uncensored Internet that we can hand to the next generation:

The Anti-counterfitting Trade Agreement (ACTA) - European Trade Commission (http://trade.ec.europa.eu/doclib/docs/2010/april/tradoc_146029.pdf) and
The Protecting Children From Internet Pornographers Act - http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/BILLS-112hr1981rh/pdf/BILLS-112hr1981rh.pdf

Aaaand you probably think I'm insane for saying that both of these pieces of legislation would cause Internet censorship. First and foremost I would like to very CLEARLY AND LOUDLY state (although I am sure I will be taken out of context at some point here) that I OPPOSE ALL FORMS OF CHILD PORNOGRAPHY and I hope very much that all child pornographers are caught, arrested, convicted and chemically castrated. What the title of the second House bill does NOT reflect is that it includes a section - section 4 - that would require all commercial Internet Service Providers (ISPs) to record and log each and every single individual user's Internet activity for six months and to provide that information to federal authorities upon request. And you thought the TSA was an invasion of your privacy. This is akin to requiring all waste management companies to sift through your garbage and collect evidence against you for future criminal proceedings - of which you may or may not be guilty. The ACTA is a trade agreement which we have already signed that is utterly confusing to me and since it is 01:15 hr here and I have to work in a few more hours, I am not going to spend the time tonight to read it and interpret it. Instead, I give you this and you can determine what you will about it - I know I dislike very much the idea of an international conglomerate that monitors and records my every move as if I were a villain that simply has yet to be caught.

And all of this gets me to thinking: there seems to be a common thread here. And no, I am not a conspiracy theorist. This thread seems to be one of policing content and controlling people. It seems to be a very very large power trip for some very powerful people who believe they are not being respected. It seems that those in charge of companies that make a profit from "creative content" like music and movies feel they are not being treated fairly and they and their companies are not receiving their due and they want to guarantee by force that they will receive what is theirs by rights (or what they perceive to be what is rightfully theirs).

I really and truly have no problem with this. I believe that those who generate creative content should be rewarded and that those who facilitate dissemination of that content should also be rewarded - especially when that dissemination requires a great deal of logistical overhead such as recording facilities, broadcasting facilities, print facilities, movie sound stages, travel expenses, pay for electricians, engineers, gaffers, editors, CG animators, the catering staff, the carpenters and the whole huge industry that has grown up around our apparent "need" to be entertained. What I DO have a real problem with is those who feel that they can PREVENT abuses of their content. I don't know if I'm going overboard with this, but based on the language in these laws (how vague it is, primarily) and the ABUNDANCE of this legislation - both currently in the two houses of Congress and brought up in past sessions - it would seem there are those out there who would lock up ALL information and require any access to be compensated monetarily. We've tried that, it was called the Dark Ages and it sucked. I, for one, do not wish to return to that Draconian era of limited learning and limited opportunities. I, for one, would like to see the world become a better place where everyone can live his or her life to its fullest potential. And for that, we need a system for sharing information and ideas freely - the Internet as it currently stands.

And as to legal recourse for those who have had their content ripped off, the current system allows for copyright holders to prosecute those who violate copyright law and I believe that that is the best possible way to go about handling the protection of intellectual property. Prevention of theft in a digital age means monitoring each and every individual as a potential suspect and not only is this offensive to me but it flies in the face of a great deal of our legal tradition of "innocent until proven guilty." I say if the members of the RIAA and MPAA wish to recoup lost revenue due to online sharing, they should do two things: (1) switch to more live events and stick to film instead of digital media therefore requiring people to be present to experience the event to its fullest & (2) start doing the Department of Justice's job for them and begin compiling lists of those who have broken copyright law and who they feel should be prosecuted.

I personally think copyright law is outdated and needs to be changed. It seems to me that the modern digital age has presented us with a new paradigm where one need not be backed by a record label or movie studio to generate creative content and turn it into a successful business. The entrepreneurial artist, if you will, can now make a go of it with very low starting costs and these individuals should have the right to allow their work(s) to be disseminated freely if they wish it. They don't need the RIAA and the MPAA to speak for them because the RIAA and MPAA are irrelevant for them. It seems to me that if copyright law were to be re-written, it should allow an opt-out clause for those who wish to be credited for their work but don't want to be burdened with the bureaucracy and legal concerns that the RIAA and MPAA seems so intent on retaining. Copyright law is also outdated in terms of fines and penalties - did you know that a SINGLE infraction could cost you up to $150,000? How in the world is this rationalized? Perhaps future copyright law could distinguish between commercial offenders and individual or private offenders and make the fines and offenses fit accordingly.

Anyway, it is late - almost 2am here and I need sleep so I will leave you with one last thought:

Let me say it one more time: the go-to website for most of us with generic questions about anything from pop culture to historic events to chemistry to mechanical engineering was completely unavailable for one day last week and it changed the course of a national discussion and the future of the legal landscape in the most powerful nation on Earth. Yet if we do not act now, that website may become permanently unavailable and so may most of the online services we currently take for granted.

SOPA and Me

2012-01-18T11:54:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Everyone,
Today is SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) Blackout Day. "Why are so many people up in arms over a thing that should be good?", you might ask - especially if you are good friends with a recording industry executive or a movie studio producer and you know that many jobs are suffering due to theft of movies and music through various websites. Well, to put it bluntly, the bill will not stop such theft and will only serve to burden those law-abiding companies and websites who try to uphold the law and respect copyright law. I am not a legal scholar and neither have I read the legal text in depth; other people have and I highly recommend their various websites for their explanations of how this legislation will hurt and not help the very character of the web and how it will fail to stop online piracy:

How does this affect Chad is the real question I want to get to today (because, for one, I am not altruistic and I actually do have a (small) stake in this - and, for two, why else would I make an effort to post today when I have so many many many other things to do).

If you are a long-time follower of this blog (Hi Mom!) you know that I have been issued a DMCA take-down notice once. It was (I believe) regarding a reference to the Jesus Prayer which is a liturgical devotional, meditation device of the Orthodox Church. It unfortunately, shares a name with the book "The Jesus Prayer" and thus, the take-down issue was issued. And I was terrified - I thought for sure I was going to get sued. And, being the broke-ass grad student that I am (ignore the previous computer post lol), was sure it was going to bankrupt me. Long story short, no such thing happened and, in retrospect, I should have fought for my rights as an amateur writer.

I still have plans to continue contributing my own puny little tidbits of content to the internet now that I again have the capacity at home (even though I know it hasn't exactly been a deluge recently. Blame it on Skyrim) but I must tell you that if SOPA and PIPA are signed into law, I will not even attempt to generate content in the fear that I will break some god-awful, extremely vague piece of federal legislation (that is quite possibly unconstitutional).

Apart from being an amateur writer, I am also a scientist and as such, often make use of copyrighted material in my daily work. You may have heard of such things before: scientific periodicals (aka "research journals") are an oft-used source of information - both as a technical resource and for abstract ideas in the daily practice of science. Typically, the journals have the information locked down like Fort Knox so that you have to provide a username and password (expedited when on campus) to get to any of their precious content. And believe you me, this causes no end of headaches. I cannot imagine the difficulties that will be involved once the journals have the option to enforce access and use of their content online. What about the researcher who wants to explain his or her research on his or her webpage? Can (s)he use a figure from a publication THAT (S)HE WROTE?!? with SOPA as a law, probably not. Can she or he even LINK to the article? In the short reading of SOPA that I have done, it seems that this activity could also bring down the hammer of the Attorney General upon one's head.
Furthermore, what about the NIH's Public Access Policy? It is mandated by law that all NIH-funded research be made public if performed after the date of enactment in 2008. Although the policy mandates that copyright law is to be followed and enforced in this, will the government be complicit in breaking it's own law(s) if SOPA passes? I'm not sure - not being a lawyer and all, but I sure hope so. Because that would then reveal how poorly designed this bill is.
Furthermore what about the various Open Access Journals such as the Public Library of Science (PLoS)? How will this affect them? Will the doors of science become closed to the public again just when there is beginning to be a movement to open them?
Some friends and I have talked about how great it would be to actually be able to educate the public about science through a website, but if SOPA passes it seems like such a dream would be most certainly an exercise in utter futility.
I will be taking my lunch break to call my representatives in Washington D.C. about this law today and I hope you do the same.
Yours,
-chad

I'm BAAAaaack

2011-12-07T18:28:00.000-08:00

Long story short, I lived like a monk for the last 2+ months to save up my pennies and now have a brand spankin' new computer. Or, as we like to say in the fly-over states: 'puwter.
I like it. it is nice.
It's on an Asus M5A87 Mobo (http://usa.asus.com/Motherboards/AMD_AM3Plus/M5A87/)

in a Thermaltake V3 (Black) case (http://www.thermaltakeusa.com/Product.aspx?C=1390&ID=1913)

using an AMD Phenom II X4 480 quad core cpu (http://shop.amd.com/US/All/Detail/Processor/HDX840WFK42GM?tabid=2) cooled by a fancy aftermarket CPU fan (http://www.xigmatek.com/product.php?productid=126),
facilitated by 8GB DDR3 SDRAM (http://www.corsair.com/cmx4gx3m2a1600c9.html)
and juiced up with a 500W power supply (http://www.coolermaster-usa.com/product.php?product_id=2757),

a fancy schmancy new ATI Radeon 6750 video card(http://www.diamondmm.com/6750PE51G.php),
a 0.5 terabyte hard drive (wanted to get two and RAID-mirror them but prices kinda jumped what with all the floods and sech over there in Thailand). Also had to buy a monitor (13" LED), new keyboard and mouse.
And, because I want to learn how to be artsy, I also got a digital sketchpad. I tried it out the other night - it looks like a four year old drooled all over the thing (yeah, I'm that bad).
I wasn't able to cover the whole thing out of pocket (despite the monkery) so I will be laying low for a few more months. except now I will be slightly more entertained than I have been, reading Wheel of Time novels.
but here it is. all up and running

I had a few problems getting things up and running although that was entirely my own stupidity - who knew that fancy schmancy video cards require their own power cords? well, now I do... only took me a week to figure out - I thought it was the memory being incompatible.

Work and Hating It

2010-11-15T07:42:00.000-08:00

I had a revelation this morning. Coming from a perspective or angle I don't frequent but is frequently brought to me by conversations with other people. This time, it was a drunken conversation with a clear-headed first year student who, despite his naivete and his unwillingness to see things from my jaded perspective, made some good points. And that revelation is that, in order to be happy at work, you have to compromise. You can know what you want out of work, you can know what you expect and what "should" be (happening), but the *moment* that you expect those things to happen, you are bound to be disappointed, frustrated and, if you can't adapt, eventually jaded and angry.
Furthermore, the stance that one must take when preparing for an environment of unmet expectations is exhausting - heels elevated, knees and elbows in, head up, every sense alert and attuned to the external world, waiting to pounce, to fight, to fix that what has been broken. If we were capable of sustaining this intense stance, if the stance were capable of fixing things gone wrong, it would be worth it and it could be discarded once the job was done. Unfortunately, in my circumstances, it is not sufficient. I could go into that, but when I start to complain about my circumstances, I get pulled into a feedback loop that amplifies the situation until I can no longer deal with it and I shut down.
So what is the solution? Can you go to work and know that it's going to suck and still be ok with it? Can you give the task your full attention knowing full well it's inadequate? I think the answer to those is "no", I think the solution is to do a good job but not your best job - to keep a little something of yourself for yourself, to stand apart from the situation and not enter fully into it. I think the best way to go about a shitty work environment is to take a step back, remind yourself that you are not your job and plan something fun for after work or for the weekend. The biggest trouble I have when trying to do this is a little voice in my head that tells me that if I *don't* give this everything I've got, then I'm going to fail, get kicked out and I will wind up having wasted my time, my youth, my talents and my opportunities.
So how do you tell that voice to shut up? I suppose the easiest tactic is to just simply shout back and tell it that it's wrong. I suppose I could also remind myself of all the times that working too hard just got me into trouble and working less actually turned out well. I could remind myself of the jobs I've held where I didn't give a shit and I still got my work done and everything turned out all right. The trouble with these tactics is that they are not impervious to criticism or analysis and so that voice that is telling me to give more goes and attacks that "evidence" and I cave and I don't wind up in a better situation. The tactic I'm trying to learn how to implement I learned from a friend and it goes something like this: when that voice starts to denigrate and convict you, to try and drive you to do it's bidding, take a deep breath, meditate on that breath and open your awareness to the fact that that voice has a source and it isn't as secure in it's justification as it would lead you to believe. This meditative tactic (known as Mindfulness and explained in "Emotional Alchemy" by Tara Bennett-Goleman) allows you to identify the sources of these destructive and manipulating voices, to see them for what they are, and, effectively, castrate them so that they no longer have power over you to control you or make you miserable. Eventually, if I become good at this, I could even shut the voice up entirely. So, I'm working at developing my meditation skills, working at being more mindful, working at being more honest about what is going on in my head. I've got hope that it will turn out well, now I just have to invest the time and energy into seeing it through.

so erm

2010-06-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

i'm not around here much lately... as you can see.
...aaaaand because i kinda can't write worth shit and i don't have time for it anymore anyway... i think i'm just gonna set the blog aside for a while...

so to recap, nothing will change. but now it's official

T-Minus 5 hours

2010-05-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

until my comprehensive examination defense
i'd link my proposal here but i'm not so sure i can legally do that... maybe after we publish on this
i only get truly terrified when i pause and think about the presentation
this is it, folks
after today i will know: 1) if i can leave with my masters now or if i need to go through this again, 2) if i am officially a PhD candidate, 3) if I am truly any good at all this 'science' nonsense

this movie

2010-04-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

is pretty incredible. We first came across it during our Core curriculum class in the first year of graduate school and it was impressive then. watching again today (instead of working on my talk for Tuesday. oops) has reminded me how amazing and incredible the story of what we are made of and how we work truly is. check it out

and here is an article on the making of the video with more of the graphic design side

2010-04-25T08:48:00.001-07:00

what i wished my day looked like (i.e. what my day would look like if i were not a total basket-case all the time):
21:30 - bed
05:30 - up, get dressed, make some quick food, pray/meditate for 10-20 minutes
06:00 - run/bike/gym/swim (one of them)
06:30 - back home, shower, full breakfast, dress and gather stuff for work
07:15 - bike to work
08:00 - in the lab
12:00 - lunch
17:00/18:00 - bike to gym
18:45 - work out
19:30/19:45 - head home, eat, shower, make lunch for the next day
20:00 - wind down (watch TV or movie, play a video game, plan a hiking trip, work on my bike, read a book, write, etc.)
21:30 - bed
**except weekends, i want to either go out on friday and saturday or plan a camping trip to somewhere

what my days are usually like (at least lately, anyway):
08:00 - drag my lazy ass out of bed, shower
08:30 - breakfast (coffee and eggs)
09:00 - piss and moan about school, petulantly open up my proposal and start working on it off and on while procrastinating with facebook and various other online time-sucks
14:00 - lunch
16:30 (or so) - get really fed up with the whole comprehensive exam thing and go do something stupid for a while in protest
18:00 - dinner
19:00 - start to freak out about comps again and get back to work on the proposal
23:00 - think about bed. try to wind down (ha!)
00:00 - actually fall asleep. sometimes. try to sleep through the night

2010-04-23T21:35:00.001-07:00

what a hideous night
i am going to go shoot aliens in the head now.

FREAK OUT

2010-04-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

time is slippin slippin slippin into the future
and i am trying. i am really trying to do this whole comp's thing right, but every time i read another reference/resource i have to go back to square one and start over. i am not smart enough for this, i do not know enough and i can't seem to make everything i have read fit together in my head. my proposal resembles a metaphorical rag bag right now (and not a cogent narrative) and i am starting to get the panic attacks again

some news (plus i want to quit at life)

2010-04-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

k. so (queso. heheh)
some updates: my written proposal isn't due until the 1st of May. That's a bit of a relief. I want it done by next friday and turned in to my committee so they can't piss and moan about not having enough time to read it. I also need to get it out of the way so I can work on my oral defense (no low-brow jokes. thanks). i have a few pages of text and about ten pounds worth of references (i thought i would measure the stack in inches, but i drop it all the time so it's easier to just estimate how much it weighs) that I hope to God i can remember something from while I'm writing and while I'm defending. I don't know how serious the committee is going to take this test as this is the first year we've done it all like this so I have nothing to compare to; that, and it's on my actual project and actual data. god, i just know they are going to rip it apart...
anyways, yeah, doing something inanely simple for the rest of my life sounds pretty good about right now

so i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail my comprehensive exams

2010-04-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

b/c i only have two weeks to write. and i am on blogger instead of writing. although, to be fair, the document is open on my desktop, i just can't bring myself to start looking up the articles i need (oh yeah, a last-minute change of topic means all the reading i've done to prepare over the last year has been worthless).
so, yeah... just thought i'd throw that out there. maybe there isn't even any reason to try for a Master's?

i am full of hate

2010-04-02T16:27:00.000-07:00

and incompetence
and more hate
and more incompetence.
literally every molecular protocol i have tried in the last 3 months have failed with the exception of a single mini-prep.
i see no reason to stay in my program if i can't do the most basic tasks
so i am job searching
ftw (and not the nice meaning either. i wanna watch that mother burn)

news, as it were

2010-03-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

so i finally went to the doctor on Thursday for my ankle. Prognosis is good, x-ray showed no fractures, i can put pressure on it and move it in all directions. Now, i just gotta be nice to it until it is better.
um, things are failing (miserably) in the lab, i am beginning to think it is a sign i should not be in science. seriously, i cannot make PCR work to save my soul and i can't even isolate genomic DNA from bacteria, not good...

why i don't write fiction. or much of anything worth publishing ;) this thing does need a qualifier, though, it is satire

2010-03-16T20:48:00.001-07:00

two vile sinners sat down at a bar in the bowels of Hell, to try and drink their sorrows away.

the first one starts in, picking up a conversation years old - maybe ages old:

"I'm still telling you, I am the most expensive suicide the world has ever known."

"You are so full of shit, Jake." The second one says, "all you did was drive a fancy car into a yacht. That's gotta cost, what, three? Five hundred grand? Tops?"

"Fine. Bill" says Jake "What makes your story so much better?" "You never even had any money to spend! How could your suicide be so much more expensive?"

"I'll tell you why" starts Bill, "Because I could have made a mint. I was sitting on the proverbial goose that lays the golden eggs. My invention would have made me a god among men."

"Yeah, but you couldn't take the stress, could ya, Bill?"

"Oh, the stress was fine, I'm something of a natural. My boss used to brag that I thrived on it. It was watching my girl walk out on me. I couldn't handle being alone." "What about you, Jake? You always had some bimbo hanging on your arm, why the hell would you throw that away?"

Jake fell silent for a minute or two. After contemplating his luke-warm beer for a while, he came back with: "What was the point? Why continue living a worthless game? The end is all the same for everybody... Winning gets you nothing but a shinier coffin. And I had already won at everything worth winning..."

that shut Bill up, too.

They were both intently gazing at their navels when a grizzled old sawbones halfway into a handle of cheap corn whiskey at a table nearby piped up, "You are both a couple of lightweights. 'boo hoo all my millions meant nothing'. I tell you simpering brats what the real tragedy is: it's drowning under half a million in student loans, kissing every meaningful relationship goodbye because you've got fourteen years of school after high school before you can land a job. it's pissing on all the support and time your once-loving friends and family dumped into you to keep you going, and then giving it all the finger by eating a shotgun because even when you burn yourself up 'helping people' it's nothing but politics and ass-kissing. you don't even need to be good at what you do to be a doctor, you just have to have a tolerance for bullshit to outmatch a damn rancher."

"oh, go stuff it, Reynard." a fourth voice chimed in. The men looked around for the source but didn't see the speaker. It was only when he half-stumbled, half-lurched out of the shadows in the corner they could see the haggard scientist. his lab coat stained with tears.

"Go stuff yourself, Arlen." Reynard replied. But Arlen was not to be put off.

"Yeah yeah, boo hoo, you and all your six figure incomes and family lives and vacation homes and two month vacations can just go take a flying leap." "You boys wanna know what waste is? what true and honest waste is? It's working like a dog through every single class in high school, college and grad school just to keep your grades up so you can have the privilege of working 60-80 hours a week on a project that means absolutely nothing and will never help anybody. Of course that's not what they tell you, no. Haha! no, they tell you that you're gonna cure cancer, that you can join the lab that will discover the cure for AIDS. That disease can be fought and can be beaten. What a bunch of bullshit. No, I'll tell you what expensive is, it's flushing thousands of dollars a year down a toilet called graduate student salaries. It's effectively burning all the millions of dollars spent on reagents and equipment just to fail a bunch of meaningless experiments. It's watching your entire youth pass before your eyes in a flash while everyone else parties and hooks up. While they date and get married and have kids. Meanwhile, you're chained to your bench, doomed to failure, destined to be derided for your ineptitude. You blink and you're 30 and everyone you know has a family or some group of friends you're just starting your career. JUST STARTING. with absolutely no guarantees that you will even have a job in six months. Never mind actually helping people, you become consumed with simply getting a single experiment to work. Forget relationships, all you need is just one piece of data - that's all. And it only takes a hundred hours of work to get. Hobbies die to you and you can't even carry on a conversation with another human being anymore." "This. this is the world's most expensive suicide." Huffing and panting with the effort (because scientists don't get out much), Arlen continued: "and all of it costs. Oh, how it costs. It costs money to park, money to drive, money to eat. Money take a shit. Pretty soon it starts costing money for sex. And we get paid peanuts for this. What a crock."

With that, Arlen passed out cold on the floor. The three other men in the bar soon followed suit after a few more drinks. The barkeep called them all cabs and they woke up the next morning and went to work. again.

2010-03-16T20:45:00.001-07:00

"...and then I saw an old friend across the way.

I went to shout and wave my arms, to grab her attention.

But then I saw the group she came with, and I knew them, too.

I hadn't been invited.

And, yes, it hurt.

But that's what I get

For being the Stranger, the Silent One, who Stands Apart."

you ever feel like you're stumbling in the dark?

2010-03-15T10:58:00.001-07:00

bumbling through life, one terrifying moment after another - afraid it's all going to come unravelled right before your eyes and there's nothing you can do about it? i do. i feel like i am just one unlucky day away from watching everything blow up in my face, watching my whole world fall apart.

i know part of this is due to my lack of organizational and scheduling skills. i don't know why i've become so scattered lately; i used to always be right on top of everything with a clear idea of what has been done, what needs to be done, and in what order to do said necessary tasks and when. Now, i can hardly remember to bring a lunch to school with me. for instance, i need to call my doctor's office about some insurance paperwork i got late last week. but i forgot it at home. i also need to plan out my experiments and other lab work for the week. and i know i don't have time for it all and what's worse is i don't know if i'll even be able to start on any of it with my ankle still swollen. i mean, i can walk on it and all, but i'd rather not if i don't have to. plus i forgot my ID badge today so i can't even get in to the lab without help. *sigh* i wrote the day off anyway because we had lab meeting which takes all morning and i've got a presentation for tomorrow i wanted to put the finishing touches on. and i want to start prepping for comp's and there's a presentation i want to go to but i still feel behind because i can't inoculate anything tonight for tomorrow. i suppose i could ask my co-worker to do it for me, but i've been asking him to do a lot for me lately. and there is so much i want to get done before comp's. i just don't have the time...

so here's the story

2010-03-10T08:06:00.001-08:00

i tried to do something fun for once. i tried to go bouldering. and me, being the numbskull that i am, didn't bother to learn how to fall before i tried going up the wall. i figured, meh, the floor is padded so what's the worst that can happen? well, in a stay-lasted climbing shoe with a base that's more narrow than than your foot, the most obvious thing that can happen (in retrospect) is you turn your foot sideways to your leg when you fall on it at an angle. which i did. on my first problem. so now i am laid up.

oh, i can hobble well enough to get around the house but the swelling has yet to go down and it hurts like a mothertrucker (edited for all you sensitive types out there). i'm hoping it's just a nasty sprain; i figure, with all the old soccer injuries ruining my ankles, it can't get much worse so i'm not going to go see a doctor unless things don't improve.

anyway, i can't really walk and i certainly can't use the lab as i need to balance on one leg to put the tyvek suit on so i'm staying home this morning. thus i am bored.

now, most smarmy writers in their condescending self-righteousness will talk about how lucky they are that they were forced to slow down and appreciate the things worthwhile in life blah blah blah. but they are being contrived.

here is the straight of it: i am pissed - angry at myself and at the universe. both of them for conspiring against me. i have work to do and i can't do it laid up. i have deadlines and things that need to get done that i can't do from home and i can't do with a busted leg. were this post-comps it would be a simple matter of my graduation being delayed another week. however, as it is now, i would dearly love to be prepared for my exam complete with preliminary data (which, in my opinion, i sorely lack). the other side of this coin is that if i 'choose a positive attitude' and look for the brighter side of this, i can be grateful that i can get some R & R. And i will, but that doesn't mean i am going to ignore how ridiculously inconvenient and potentially damaging this is. one thing i learned from all this: i need to be in the gym more regularly and screw work. my ankles are weak and i am sluggish and tired all the time. i need to be more active and i need to find some work-out routines that build my ankle and shoulder strength. I also need to work on being quicker, tighter, more prepared to fall and land on my feet or roll on to my back.

i need to figure this life thing out. i need a group of close friends and some kind of serious relationship. now where to find it? school has disappointed. church has disappointed. i loathe the bar and club scenes. i would like to make climbing/hiking friends or friends to hit up local live music shows but that hasn't met with much success either. which should i dig more deeply into? which should i pursue in the face of disappointment? i honestly don't know where to start; none is easier than another, none is cheaper than another, none holds more promise than another and i'm so apathetic about it that i have no personal preference. ungh.

WOAH! a post!

2010-02-27T19:44:00.000-08:00

be nice to it, they are endangered 'round here

so, what to tell? had the most godawful month in recent memory - lots of nonsense in the lab that will hopefully be settled and gone soon (don't know if i can say much more about it than that). two presentations last week, one two weeks prior to that, all kind of a big deal for me. the first two covering my own research went pretty well, the last one (a journal club meeting) not so much. frustration with my boss - communication issues and pride issues and such. freaking out about comps (only 2 months away!) fighting lots of loneliness and frustration with denver. finding it near impossible to meet people (you can chalk most of that up to my penchant for self-destruction. but don't discount my time commitments at work, either). getting cabin fever something fierce and want to plan something for out-of-doors but not quite sure how to go about it. i went to south dakota for a weekend. my car needs an oil change. i bought a book on traditional italian breads and i am excited to try some of the stuff in it. attempting to identify that most elusive of prey: happiness. loving life. wonder. when you don't have it, how do you get it? how do you fall back in love with being alive?

2010-02-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain." - Frank Herbert

it should not be so easy

2010-01-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

to get so depressed

been reading through some old posts

2010-01-06T21:40:00.001-08:00

and i noticed that they really stink (regarding readability). i promise to spend more time on the next one

I Am Train People

2010-01-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

I sat down in the lobby of the train station on the way home a week and a half ago and I had one observation: I Am Train People. And by that I mean that I am a hodge-podge, I do not fit into neat little boxes or categories, I do not have my shit together, not like Plane People.

You know Plane People - those well-dressed folks with smart little carry-ons, labeled properly, packed properly with that extra set of clean underwear and travel toothbrush, magazine and flashlight. They walk fast, talk fast and deal fast, always on their way to the next big meeting, busy saving (or selling) the world.

I am not Plane People. No, I'm not always sure who I am or where I'm going, I don't really care very much if I get there as soon as possible, bumpy rides rarely bother me. The scenery is what it is, I've got leg-room to spare, my baggage nearby and no one has told me to take off my shoes and my belt. I get to have my cell phone on and I can plug my computer in (to save my battery for the plane) (if i get a window seat. if not, well that's just awkward). Or I used to be able to, doesn't look like this train model has the outlets. Suck. Ah well, it's a good deal anyway. Oh, and it's cheaper.

On any given day, you can find just about every ethnic and economic demographic in a train station, some people ride because they hate flying, low prices entice some onto the ol' locomotive. Some do it because they actually get to see some of the scenery along the way, some do it because they choose a life that moves at a slower pace and I'm sure you would get as many answers as people you ask why they ride... regardless of the reason, those who take the train are unconventional at best (while, somehow, being entirely explicable) and it is good to know that I have a label that I am ok with.

In many ways, I am trying to say that I am a Pilgrim. I don't settle well, my mind wanders, I don't like being tied down, I doubt, I ask questions, I will be that guy ignorantly walking down the wrong street at precisely an unwise hour, if I could, I would pick up and move to Italy tonight. I want to learn everything there is to learn about everything, I have an insatiable appetite for wonder and imagination and, somehow, this all fits together in my head. i may need to get that checked ;)

On Christmas (this year)

2009-12-30T10:19:00.000-08:00

it's no secret in these parts that my mind has been occupied of late and not with jolly thoughts; there is a January deadline at work that, although I am assured by numerous of my co-workers that it is no big deal, I cannot take lightly. And I did not take it lightly, I worked very hard right before break to get four experiments done - four in one week is a feat, most students I know shoot for one a week and what's more is I was sick and so, in consideration of my co-workers, I switched my schedule up to work nights. *cue the kudos, haha*

In fact, I have been working so hard and been so focused that I, like my friend Katie, have not gotten much into the Holiday spirit. I was aware of this and because of the attitude I required to press on in my work, I didn't much care. I figured, eh what's another sacrifice? I've already given so much, what's one more thing?

To give you some context on this whole thing, Christmas has been my favorite holiday since my earliest memories and for the usual reasons: free stuff, idyllic winter landscapes, beautiful music, time with family, good food, and so on. So it is not good that I so casually dismissed what is a rejuvenating and joyful time for me. Of course, I see that now, when all the helps and aides to enter into the Christmas spirit are done and over for the year, ah, c'est la vie.

What, I did get into at home, was a spirit of peace and relaxation that has been purposely absent from my life for the past six months or so; I lost the nervous tic in my right eyelid, my heart rate slowed, I didn't get panic attacks every night as I tried to fall asleep and I remembered that, even if this whole science thing doesn't work out, there are other ways to make a living.

And I remembered that I can choose my attitude and disposition. Of course, it helps when the sun is out, but I am in a good mood today. Why? Because I choose to be. I could focus on the shortcomings of the day - how I haven't made plans with anybody to do anything in particular, how financial responsibilities will soon require attention, how anything I do plan for the day will cost me in time and money. But I am choosing to focus on the good things: God has provided for me and continues to provide for me (tangibly and un-), the sun is out, it's a holiday and I don't have to go to work if I don't want to, I have my paycheck to maybe treat myself or meet some obligations, the day is wide open to me to do with as I please, and each new day is all potential

No More Games

2009-12-30T10:09:00.000-08:00

The Self-that-is-not-SELF plays games. It plays games to win and it plays for keeps, it is brutal, cutthroat and harsh; and it does not surrender. Ever. Your ego can seem like your friend, one of its lies is that it is your friend, your best friend. It will tell you that it knows the game, the rules and the score and that it also knows how to win, even how to cheat. To the Ego, everything is a game: what you wear is a game, the music you listen to is a game, what you say is a game, who you talk to is a game, what you drive is a game, where and what you live in are games, how you make money is a game, where you spend your money and what you decorate your body with are games, what you believe in and who you pray to are games to the Ego. To the Ego, all of life and all of life's aspects are games, games to be won. At any cost. Because when the Ego is winning at life for you, it is in control, master of its universe. And who can say that they do not want to be in control? But even if you (both) win at these games, you (yourself) will lose - you will become someone you are not, someone you do not like. You will compromise and hurt people to get what you (think you) want. You will jettison some (or all) of the things and people you love to obtain your prize. And at the end of your life, what will be more important to you? Scraps of paper or people who love you? Shiny toys or a mind full of good memories? Stories of conquest or stories of adventure? It sounds here like I am advocating winning, which the ego will tell you it can do for you. So how do I explain WINNING over winning? How do I illustrate the ULTIMATE, as my pastor would say? The fact of the matter is that I can't, I can point to it, but I can't define it, I can hardly describe the part of this elephant I am feeling out (that's a reference to the parable about blind men describing an elephant).

And so I am done with allowing the Ego control, it is not my friend and I will no longer let it call the shots, things will not be a game to me, they will be what they are - my job will be my job: the way I get money to pay bills, have fun and buy food and shelter; I will give it its due: no more than 60 hours each week and my full attention while I am there but there are many jobs and if I lose this job, I will get another. My co-workers are those people who work at the same place I do, if they are amenable to the idea, I would be friends with them, but I do not require that, there are other places to make friends. My friends are just that - friends, we can plan and then go do things together, but they do not define me and they do not control me. My good friends (funny we don't have another word for that, eh?) are something more - we share life together, we value each other and make an effort to be a part of each other's lives, we ask hard questions of each other, expecting answers but not requiring them. We help each other out in hard times and we know that what we have is not contingent upon such flimsy conditions as emotions or geographic location. My neighborhood is just that - the place where I live, it is inherently no better and no worse than any other neighborhood in my city except in that is is closer or further from places I like to go or need to visit (like the grocery store). My favorite shops and stores are my favorites because they do what they do well, because they love what they do - whatever pretenses can be ascribed to them are forgivable. My hobbies let my soul soar - to see the splendor and majesty of the Rockies, to feel it and to know it with my hands, with my strength, with my eyes, but they do not define me and I am not their slave. My church is my church because most of the folks there are honest and love God and do their best to live it.

The battle with my Ego is not over, I know that. I know it will be a constant struggle for control, losing my focus for even a moment will give it an opening for attack that it may or may not take. I cannot rely on it to play fair, to stick to rules and not change the games it wants to play. I cannot even rely on myself to always want to regain control especially as I will make mistakes, but I can decide now that I am in control and that I do not want to let my ego control my life. This is going to be difficult, pray for me...

for a friend

2009-12-16T17:20:00.000-08:00

so... wikipedia is on hard times.
and even though it has its weaknesses and flaws, it is one of my best resources for school - even though i can't cite anything i use from it, it is almost always the first place that i start when looking for information. so i donated.
and if you use it on a regular basis, you should too

ruminations on this whole 'science as a career' thing

2009-12-16T12:13:00.001-08:00

so if you're a regular here it's no surprise to you that i'm having a difficult time with graduate school - between the paradigm of failure that characterizes research, my own perfectionistic tendencies, the lack of balance that comes from having no partner in crime (i.e. a significant other), and the pressure that comes when grants are due (and i have the good(?) fortune to be on a project that hasn't been well-staffed for over six months), I am reaching burnout. So I am taking stock of the situation and this is what I have so far:

Why I like "Professional" Science:

1. In my field, with the path I am trying to follow, I have the potential to someday reduce the suffering of many many people.

2. Fighting disease is part of the Kingdom of Heaven and I can pursue that by being a scientist.

3. Being a scientist ~~encourages~~ requires me to use my logical and analytical minds: something I think I am good at and I enjoy doing.

4. I am encouraged to solve problems creatively - another thing I like doing and think I am good at.

5. As a scientist, I am respected by most people and they listen to what I have to say.

6. My schedule is largely flexible; for instance this week I am sleeping days and working nights because I am sick and still need to get a lot of work done before I leave for the holiday on Monday.

7. The ridiculous, superficial restrictions placed on other professions (e.g. wear a suit or dress clothes to look professional regardless of what you do or how professional you actually are) largely do not apply to scientists

Why I DON'T like "Professional Science":

1. The pressure to perform and produce is stifling. Granted, I've gotten more than my share what with my various rotations and then this grant milestone checklist thing due next month (as in, most other 2nd year grad students have not had to even think about producing content for grants), but that doesn't make it any less real or any less a part of this whole gig and maybe it will get easier in the future, but then again, maybe it won't.

2. The politics involved in the daily life of science and even in the long-term aspects of science are disheartening; for supposedly 'rational' people, scientists are still emotional human beings who often carry grudges and nurse resentment. This plays out in work-place socio-political dynamics and also in the public arena (i.e. some rival will give you a hard time at a conference and not necessarily even over your data or methods). Granted, one cannot get around workplace politics in working with other human beings so I just have to deal with that, but it's still disheartening.

3. The compromises many scientists make to maintain funding or find their next lab are disheartening; you will often hear people say something like "Well, it's not my first choice but I need this next ___ (post-doc, grant, whatever)"

4. The work ethic of scientists is daunting and I even have a good one - most work 60-70hrs/week as a minimum and they expect it of other scientists. Which feeds into...

5. The lack of balance in scientists' lives - many are one-dimensional in that they really only know what they study and nothing else. Those that do have hobbies hold them loosely and even though most professional career scientists are married and have children, involvement in their lives is precluded by the demands of work. I still espouse the belief that deep friendships can be just as meaningful as having a family but the same problem exists here: how does one make friends and still get one's work done?

6. The militant atheism of many scientists is frustrating; I understand that religion is bad (Crusades, Jihad, anybody?) but I think faith is an integral part of who I am - I freely confess that I am not an entirely rational being. I do things and think things and want things that do not make sense therefore why is it so absurd to use an irrational faith to feed/grow/mature that side of me into something good and worthwhile?

i think that mostly covers it. feedback welcome only if it is in the form of constructive criticism

2009-12-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

how do i pour my soul out on paper? If my breath were ink and my eyes were quills, I would be no closer to sharing this grief, this mourning for lost chances, for absent friends, for compromises, denials and failures.

A gift is a candle and the brighter it burns, the shorter it lives. But if no one is there to see it, to use it, what meaning is there in its sacrifice? I feel like a butane torch, trying to heat the vacuum of space

check this out

2009-12-07T22:29:00.001-08:00

because it is awesome

slideshow

the sex post (on being single, part II)

2009-12-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

so the major argument in ~~our~~ my (evangelical) culture for getting married goes like this: you can only have sex if you get married so everyone should get married. (The sub-text of the evangelical worldview on sex is that they say sex outside of marriage is abominable and is sure to get you sent straight to hell so we should use this marriage loophole to get as many people as possible to get married so that they don't go to hell for having sex outside of marriage)

WOW that misses so many marks, it's hard to know where to start, so let's start here...

First, sex isn't everything. It may be our primary biological imperative, but it isn't our primary human imperative - that would be to love (not fuck) each other. So it does not stand to reason that all of humankind is under compulsion to get married.

Second, sex isn't everything. Even in a ~~marriage~~ nay a healthy marriage sex isn't guaranteed to be done right; if you listen to the theologians and the pastors, they will tell you, if they have the cojones to actually talk about it, that sex is a tangible act of intimacy that mirrors the love of Christ for the Church and the nature of the Godhead; how the goal of sex is not personal gratification but attention to the other person's needs/desires AND that the act of intercourse is not equal to sex as defined in Christianity - that intercourse is a mechanical act and if the component of mutual consideration and service is absent, then the act is shallow, selfish and a sham - a dim shadow of what it could be. And how many married people get this right all of the time? I'll be not all...

My point here is that being married does not equate to sin-free sex; we have effectively committed the sin of legalism here: losing sight of the nature of the act (service) and focusing on its superficial trappings (wedding bands).

Third, people screw up; we screw everything up, why should sex be different? why should we expect people to get nothing right but sex? So stop being so hung up on this... being broken and screwing things up is how humans do life, thank God for grace.

FURTHERMORE, assigning intercourse specifically only to marriage is a Christian moral (i.e. a standard that Christians are called to apply to themselves internally, not to the rest of the world). Ironically, the secular world may well do a better job of assigning sex only to marriage if you replace "marriage" with "long term relationship" - the secular world simply makes the distinction between intercourse and sex (i.e. between the mechanical act and the emotional/spiritual act) and doesn't prohibit intercourse outside of marriage.

And the caveat: I am not trying to say that sex doesn't have the power to enslave people, that it has no power to rule people through shame, addiction or coercion because it does; simply look to the multi-billion dollar porn industry for proof of this.

On the other facets of sex and singlehood vs marriage...

Intimacy is bliss but marriage is no guarantee of intimacy and neither is singlehood a guarantee of exclusion/loneliness

I am not here to tell you that being married isn't full of good things and I'm not here to tell you that not being married is a sin (which my pastor came close to saying a few months ago). What I AM here to tell you is that being single is full of good things too. And, that if you are single, don't sweat it, things will work out in the end for you too.

useful(?)

2009-12-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

kind of wishing i had had this link two years ago:
graduate school rankings
that being said, it won't do you much good unless you know what you are looking for in a graduate school. this is so hard to communicate, maybe because i haven't been doing it that long, maybe because it defies definition. however, i have found that the things that seem important to me in a graduate school are (in a loose priority):

1: cohesiveness of the department and student body in particular (i.e. do these people get along for the most part or do they hate each other?),

2: ability of the faculty to think clearly (i.e. will they provide good direction for you in your thesis?) - this will show up in the way they write their grants, if you can get your hands on them; their students are another great source of info on this point and if someone tells you that a PI is "good but you need to be very independent" that means they can't provide clear direction like they should be able to. Hand-in-hand with this point is the issue of a particular PI's management style; i.e. do the PI's at a school (especially the PI's you think you are interested in) rule by fear? by coercion? or by cooperative teamwork? ('cause you want the 3rd one, not the 1st one or the 2nd one)

3: facilities and resources available at the institution, Skokie U might be an awesome, fun place to be, but if you can't be competitive in your field you won't be able to publish and then you wont get hired after you graduate plus you want to be able to understand the science of your field and it is ridiculously difficult to do that without any hands-on work.

4: in this 'funding climate' it is not unreasonable for a great department to be on hard times, however they should have a good record of funding (you don't want to get to your 5th year and then run out of money, do you?).

5: grad school is a shit-ton (technical term) of work, however that doesn't mean your life should be devoid of all joy or recreation - i.e. is there opportunity to not be at school? can you be involved in your community? can you have hobbies? these are important to me and that priority is something i wish i had a firmer grasp on before i committed to grad school.

6: do students from this department get hired after they graduate? if there is a long history of good hires from your department you are very likely to benefit from that (unless some schmucks screw it up for you before you can finish).

7: what kind of experience can you gain as a student apart from benchwork? i.e. can you be involved in some incarnation of a student senate? can you teach? must you teach? can you audit classes? can you get your foot in the door of science policy (assuming you are into that)? are you encouraged to write your own grants and seek your own funding? is attendance at conferences encouraged or discouraged?

8: notoriety/prestige: big names are big for a reason. that is not to say good science can't happen at an unknown school, it's just playing with a handicap because there are other places out there that have a long history of phenomenal work and word gets around. In the same vein, big name scientists at your school can be a boon - they can give you access to opportunities you might not otherwise have (they can also be a bane, as not all famous scientists are famous because they should be)

oh, and if you are on an interview and you ask some questions and there is an awkward silence afterwords (or much hemming and hawing), the truthful answer is probably in the negative (don't assume 'no news is good news')

the pressure is on

2009-12-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

grant renewal is next month. i don't have material for it. and i'm one of two people on this grant (the other guy has to split his time elsewhere, too). i hate this pressure

not a good night to be alone

2009-11-28T17:11:00.000-08:00

..."if you don't learn how to be alone, how do you hope to learn anything?" pretty sure i said that to a friend once. back when i thought i had figured out how to be alone and do it right. oops.

If nothing else, the holidays are a sure-fire way to find out to what degree you are alone in this world and i am at the far-shitty side of the spectrum; i won't go into all the boring details, i just want to show you the posting that is going up on denver craigslist tonight:

"First off, this is not for sex. For realsies. Second, I am not looking for a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, life-mate, whatever-you-wanna-call-it long term relationship. What I am looking for is a friend or two, just some people i can plan stuff with - something to look forward to during the week - nothing earth-shaking, just something: a show? a movie? video game night? book club? pub night? hiking? snowboarding? rock climbing? gym? sit around and pick our noses?

I'm guessing you'll want a little background on me: I'm 25 years old, single and in graduate school so I work far more than is reasonable; I'm a recent transplant to the Denver area (for school. which sucks) and I suck enough at life (see: big gaps in my social skills repertoire) that I haven't been able to make any friends using any of the normal ways I know how and now that I can scale back some of my time at my program, I don't know what to do with myself (so, typically, I just work more. but I hate that and it isn't getting me anywhere, it's just driving me crazy - making me into someone I don't like. at all). So, I figured why not just cut the bullshit and the lame-ass social games and put myself out there, see what I get - you know?

Anyway, if that bit about sucking at life didn't scare you off and you're still reading this, thanks - I promise I am a quality human being and I make a great friend (it's just the process of getting there that eludes me). Oh yeah, my list of hobbies run thusly, in no particular order: (road) bike repair, bike rides in the city, photography, reading (anything good. typically fiction of some flavor or another), cooking, hiking/camping, snowboarding, I used to lift but haven't done that in a long time, live music, locally roasted coffee, microbrews, rock climbing (which I'm new to but I do have a harness), video games & I'm open to new ideas, too.

Who I'm looking for? someone preferably near my age (in his/her twenties?), who understands that graduate school is a big time commitment (i.e. I don't necessarily have any and all nights and weekends free and sometimes work runs late) and also shares at least some of the same interests. Please do NOT be some creeper and please do not be crazy and please do not expect me to be your soul-mate.

if you've made it through all that and your interest is still piqued, shoot me an email and we'll chat."

comments, critiques, suggestions welcome as I'm sure I'll be posting this more than once over the upcoming holiday season.

so tired

2009-11-23T15:45:00.001-08:00

of feeling so stupid all day every day

i really need something to cheer me up today

2009-11-17T08:55:00.001-08:00

i don't know why but i am fighting the strongest wave of depression i've seen in a long time

half a limerick

2009-11-15T14:38:00.000-08:00

naught but an ape

who has learned to fake

his way into shoes much too large

i shaved off my hair

with nary a care

and buried my past in the yard

on being single

2009-11-14T13:41:00.000-08:00

i have a lot to say about this so i wouldn't hesitate to suspect that there may be more than one post on this.

Let me start by pointing out the elephant in the room - we, all of us, are expected to get married at some point in our lives and have children (thus the expectation is that we will marry young). This is all part and parcel of the social norm here in the West - get married, have kids, buy a house, get a 9-5 job, have a couple of cars, live in suburbia, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

notice there is no gray area, there is no caveat or clause here for those who will not get married. I think that says a lot. We have a few tired, generally positive caricatures for chronically single people that we use: the playboy (i use that word loosely) uncle, the spinster aunt... The other caricatures are decidedly not positive: the D&D-playing basement dweller who never manages to move out, the creeper rape-van man, the crazy cat-lady... you get the idea: despite the fact that a large percentage of 20-somethings are single and without prospects (myself and many of my friends included), the option to not do as your parents and grandparents did is simply not an option, at least that is how most people will behave.

Most people will get married, I am fine with that. I am even fine with most people getting married in their late teens and early twenties. I am also ok with the fact that most people date for the majority of their teen years until they find someone they think they want to marry and I am even ok with the fact that, as a rule, people who get married aren't ready for it (divorce rate, anyone?)...

But when someone comes into my life and breathes contempt down my neck for not dating or when someone gets in my face shouts at me from a bully pulpit that i should be doing every damn thing in my power to be un-single... watch out, jackoff. Who, exactly do they think they are to be telling a total stranger how to live his life? Who died and made them omniscient and infallible to be telling me my choices in life are wrong? What do they know about my past and my history with relationships? Or my own personal struggles and issues with trust? What do they know about my priorities or the trade-offs I've made for what I consider the greater good? They don't know shit and what's worse is the fact that they don't know that they don't know shit; they think they have it all figured out - all the world cut up and deposited in little labeled boxes. Well, here's the stone-cold truth, folks: life is messy. There are no rules that work there are no boxes, it is all 'gray area' and none of your anal-retentive, type A personality-driven obsessive compulsive analysis and judgment or (false) Western culture-enforced conviction that we are masters of this universe is going to change that.

*big breath*

People who say you shouldn't be single are saying two very important things: one, they think that they have the answer to life, the universe and everything (and that it is to be exactly like them and do as they say because, if they were God, then there wouldn't be any problems in the world) & two, there aren't any other answers: whatever you may have managed to cobble together to get you through the days isn't legit.

They are dead wrong. There's a little thing called diversity that, one might argue, is one of the greater more worthwhile aspects of life and all these little Mussolini's and Stalin's would have none of that.

being single can be a beautiful thing (just like being married can be a hideous atrocity to nature): it can teach you how to be silent, it can teach you how to live in solitude, it can teach you about the seasons of life and how there is a time for revelry and a time for mourning, it can teach you how to connect with people on any time scale, it can teach you how to invest in someone else without expecting a return, it can teach you how vulnerable you are and how inadequate you are and how much you need help (be it from God or someone simply being Jesus for you), it can teach you how to be spontaneous or how to plan for long-term goals, it can teach you discipline and afford you the opportunity to volunteer or sacrifice for a worthy cause. Being single is not a curse.

my next post on being single will cover the topic of sex

overheard on a friend's facebook page

2009-11-09T21:47:00.000-08:00

"Beg for a Kindle for Christmas and free yourself from the bookstore... and from killing trees to make the books :)"

where do i start?

how about here: "or don't go to college, get a blue-collar job and never have to kill those trees to make the books you read for class or the papers you turned in for assignments or the meaningless mountains of paperwork/bureaucracy you produce as a student PLUS never have the desire to read those books so no need for a bookstore or a Kindle"

or here: "except that nothing is free and 'a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet' just like a heaping mound of rotting garbage would still smell like shit no matter what marketing twat wrote the first quote - you are still going to have to purchase the 'book' and so are still bound to an institution that deals in books, i.e. a bookstore.

FURTHERMORE what idiot doesn't think that endorsing and supporting a business doesn't result in paper being used!? we are f*cked up the whole world is f*cked up and when some POS product (which, i believe, uses DRM-encrypted data formats and so 'your' purchase isn't really yours) (which i'm not going to bother to fact-check, btw) claims to free you from guilt over being a consumer in a first-world economy (by, ironically, forcing you to be a consumer in a first-world economy) it is a steaming pile of marketing hogwash designed to manipulate you into spending your money and promoting their product. nothing more.

sorry. people are stupid and it makes me angry

stepping on a hornet's nest

2009-11-07T21:56:00.001-08:00

and not even knowing it.

sometimes i think it's the theme of modern "American" life. it was the theme of my day on Friday. i saw an article on the BBC here and i thought it was funny so i posted it to facebook. you can see the ensuing guilt trip there. and yet i still think the article's funny and i don't think my comment is offensive and here's why: there is a stereotype that asians are bad drivers and i can tell you that even many Americans i know of asian descent will affirm this and laugh about it and i can tell you that i have had to share the road with numerous bad drivers some of whom are asian or of asian descent; i.e. stereotypes exist for a reason. But that isn't necessarily what makes the article funny (although that is one layer to it). What also makes the article funny is the fact that I know and have ridden with numerous good drivers who happen to be asian or of asian descent thus there is irony in the fact that this poor Korean woman took forever to pass her written driver's test. What is further funny about all this is that if the world weren't an evil, broken place, then that story either wouldn't exist or wouldn't be run because then the stereotype of bad asian drivers wouldn't be propagated and good asian drivers could go about debunking the stereotype of bad asian drivers. Except that is crap because the world is a broken place and good and bad drivers of all heritages populate the highways and byways of the world so there is an element of despair in this to which the only healthy response is laughter because, if you can't fix it, what are you going to do about it? finally, my comment mirrors the content of the article and, although it may be deemed offensive, was not meant to be hurtful or destructive. i did mean it as a good natured elbow-nudge which, i realize doesn't come across too well in print. however, if you know me (and if you can see my posts on facebook, you probably do. i think i set that setting right anyway), you probably know that i don't think stereotypes are necessarily accurate to any trustworthy degree and so, hopefully, you would catch that joke, too.

and to be completely forthright, I didn't give the article any thought as being offensive until a friend of mine pointed out that it might be. let me stress might here because that is what has been nagging me for the last two days. i don't want to hurt people with my posts - i typically want to make them laugh or be in awe of something amazing and the idea that this article and my comment are offensive was upsetting to me. But, at the same time, that might seems awfully flimsy to me and I don't really buy the argument that hordes of asians and asian-americans are going to beat a path to my door and give me the third degree for the posting or that they are hiding in their rooms, crying over the posting or even just a little bit sad on the inside. I could be wrong about this (like I can be wrong about anything I think or believe) but most people i know of any color or heritage are a bit stronger than that and would either shrug it off or laugh themselves. *sigh* who knows? maybe all the asians who saw that article got pissed and so I am guilty of offending them and so i should apologize and maybe people need to learn how to laugh at stereotypes (and themselves, if that's appropriate) and maybe the world would be a better place if we didn't try to avoid offending each other (i.e. the 'colorblind' theory) but, instead tried to affirm each other - especially those from the same place/cultural space as us so that when we do accidentally step on each other's toes we are strong enough to laugh about it because, let's face it; we are never going to be 1. aware enough 2.knowledgable enough 3.vigilant enough 4.motivated enough to ever avoid insulting/offending everyone. there are just too many ways to hurt somebody (especially in our culture where people look for ways to hurt or be hurt) and too many people out there

pics... i told you

2009-11-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

they aren't that great

going camping this weekend ! (?)

2009-10-31T08:36:00.000-07:00

yes there is snow on the ground. out on the prairie. yes we are going up to the mountains. yes this is insane. but it should be a lot of fun. if you don't hear from me by 10pm sunday, come look for my corpse at Kenosha Pass

k so

2009-10-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

i went in...

and my cultures didn't grow right last night for whatever reason. so i couldn't do my experiment. so i checked on my bacteria that i am trying to mutate. out of about 1,000 possible colonies, none of them screened positive for the right event. so i don't know what to make of that. the one good thing i did was inoculate cultures of another potential mutant so i can isolate their genomic DNA and check for the deletion of a gene (that should have happened b/c the process actually worked with that mutation).

anyway, i was so frustrated i just gave up and came back home. i bought a snow shovel at Wal*Mart and shoveled the walk and i'm making pizza. there must be some way to salvage this day

ah crap (?)

2009-10-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

so it is 7:30 and I am sorta kinda getting ready for work. "WHY?" you scream "Why would you go in to work on a day when it's CLOSED!?" well, that would be because i have an experiment that takes 2 days to prep and it's ready to go. that and there are a half-dozen other things i meant to do yesterday but couldn't get to. *sigh*

on the one hand, i could use a day off like a starving man needs food. on the other hand, i won't have a chance to do this experiment again until Tuesday at the earliest.

Things Fall Apart Wear the Fudge Out

2009-10-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

as promised, brake pad pics

and, just for kicks (pun. hah) why i bought new shoes today:

2009-10-21T19:46:00.001-07:00

I'm not exactly sure when I first realized this, junior year at SPU? Maybe senior year? Regardless, I became aware of the fact that I will never be normal. I was already living a life that was not normal and had been for as long as I can remember - working jobs no one had ever heard of or deigned to apply for, growing up in places no one knew about, going to schools unlike anything anyone knew, playing sports seemingly no one else but me played, reading books no one but me read, liking movies and television no one but me remembered, caring about things nobody else cared about... but the awareness that normal friends, normal jobs, normal houses in normal cities or towns would never be accessible to me was a mighty blow. I had, for the longest time, entertained the fantasy that, some day, things would come around, life would settle down and i could just be 'one of the guys.' That, somehow, normalcy would find me, I would have casual friends and go do things, go make memories... I would have normal relationships and go through the fighting and the nagging and the co-dependency. I would make up these elaborate scenarios in my head about how I would buy a bicycle and ride it to work everyday just like all the other quasi-hipster 20-something guys at the office (or wherever). I had this delusion that it was all the other people in my life who weren't normal, who didn't know how things were supposed to work and therefore it was their fault things were so messed up for me.
i know now that dream is dead and that I was irrevocably wrong. Unfortunately, that dream doesn't know it's dead and I can't go back and re-do any of it. And it haunts me every day - how I fall short of normalcy, how I can't seem to do anything right, how I don't have anything in life figured out and how it isn't ever going to change

and so to (ironically) quote (some of the most powerful influences on ~~our~~ (what should have been my) generation) Green Day: "I walk alone, I walk alone"

2009-10-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

surfing Chaos' edge
...
yeah, that's pretty much all i got right now
i need like a book of ideas for things to do on the weekends (when i actually have weekends)

a week later...

2009-10-10T06:28:00.001-07:00

...my brakes are fixed!!!

in the end, it took $30 for new pads, $30 to turn the rotors, $125 for a caliper i didn't use, $20 for the caliper i DID use, $7 for a tool to help me bleed the brake lines and two weeks of working on the car. But it is finally done! car is back up and running and actually stops when you press on the brakes now. pretty awesome.

In other news...

[from my f/b] so a lot of people are upset about President Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. To those of you who find this less than satisfactory, have you heard what the president had to say about receiving the prize? He said that he was humbled and implied that he recognizes the prize is not to recognize anything he and his administration (and our country, btw) has accomplished but said that he would receive the prize as a "call to action."

i have another question for you: why are you upset at Obama for the decision of the Nobel Prize Committe?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/09/obama-nobel-speech-video_n_315324.html

more updates

2009-09-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

peroxide assay sort of worked. i made the dilutions right but picked the wrong range. instead of 1-500uM, i should do 300-900uM (in 300uM steps). Also not sure if the spec lied to me about the [H2O2].

furthermore, my cloning is failing again. WHY DON'T RESTRICTION ENZYME DIGESTS WORK THE WAY THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO ?!?!?!?! i hate this crap. maybe my plasmids are bad but i can't make new b/c the freezer is all locked up (well, we're actually moving freezers and the interim one is locked up)

so... yeah, i kinda hate science. a lot. right now

next on the agenda, set up an NO-killing assay. Now, which donor to use... (i should prob. just ask the boss)

finally, the caliper body shipped today. i hope to have it by the end of the week and my car up and working not long after.

also, getting free lunch on friday so that is kind of awesome

well, i did it

2009-09-29T21:07:00.001-07:00

and bought a rebuilt caliper body online tonight. i couldn't find the dumb rebuild kit online for my car! thing cost me $125. they say they will give me back $55 if i send them my busted one. So, all told it's more like $70 but we'll see.

that's about as poignant and insightful as i get these days.

on a brighter note i think i FINALLY set up my hydrogen peroxide killing assay right today. i'll know tomorrow. still can't clone to save my soul

update on the update

2009-09-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

the brakes were not a simple fix. after fighting with bolts and rust for a few hours, I finally got the old stuff (pads, rotors, calipers, etc.) off only to realize my fears - the rotors needed turned. So my saint of a roommate took me to the auto parts place and i paid the money and they turned the rotors. I wish i had thought to get pictures because they were pretty much horrendous - I will post pictures of the pads and you can get an idea of the shape of the rotor. Anyways, back home I go to reassemble everything with new (ceramic) brake pads - and no grease on the shims, oops. missed that step in the manual so i never even got any grease to put on them. and i couldn't depress one piston on one caliper body so i couldn't reassemble the second wheel. i tried everything i could think of but nothing would work and i'm pretty sure it's fouled because the dust gasket looks like it's got holes in it (IMO). For sure the brake fluid that came out of that caliper body was dark so I'm almost certain there's some dirt and rust in there fouling things up. I'm afraid it's going to cost me a ~~new~~ rebuilt caliper body which run in the neighborhood of $70 and that means I have to wait until payday to order it which is Thursday which means, worst case scenario, that my car won't be running again until some time in October. Sad day.

here's a link to a youtube video that will explain all the stuff i was talking about: link

updates

2009-09-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

1. bike is operational. what i thought was a major structural flaw turns out to be nothing more than a crappy rim on a wheel. i am working on rebuilding an old wheel to replace it (still need more tools)

2. i am fixing the brakes on my car for $50 today. at least, let's hope i can fix it myself haha

3. um, yeah... oh yeah, found a church

i want

2009-09-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

to quit.

i am tired of nothing working the way it's supposed to

i am tired of feeling stupid ALL the time

i am tired of being tired

and poor

update

2009-08-25T22:32:00.000-07:00

new house. no apartment !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i finally sleep at night instead of listening to ambulances and fire trucks!!!!!

potentially almost maybe cleared for access to my bug (and i can FINALLY start my thesis)

'rents coming in a few weeks - pretty stoked about that

comp's in three months - not so excited about that

umm... bike doesn't always work, got some ideas on how to fix it... yeah, that's about it

Take A Hike, Lou

2009-08-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

Take A Hike, Lou...
define "culturally American", Lou, does that mean: white + suburban + middle class? does that mean black + inner city + poverty? does that mean immigrant + poverty + desperation? does that mean 2nd generation immigrant + mob ties + opportunity? there is no such thing as "culturally American" and this man is a rascist and a classist for presupposing one.

I would doubt that Obama had no exposure to military in the family as his mother was from Kansas and he grew up in Hawaii - both major military states.

I would like you to name a president who has had "humility" (did Bush take blame for invading Iraq under false intelligence? i don't think so) and he certainly has class, i don't know where this guy is getting that

As to your fear of his association with "the bad guys" - "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."

And because Obama does not blindly endorse all of America's actions past and present and seeks to reconcile our relationships with other countries does not make him anti-American; it makes in an apologetic. which we desperately need if we want to avoid being invaded in the next 50 years (my own prediction)

As to dictation by the private sector - where has that gotten us in the last 70 years (since the end of WWI)? it has gotten us rampant corporate greed and irresponsible fiscal policies, it has gotten us a corporate mindset of "i'll get mine and damn the rest" and subsequently a need for regulatory agencies to stop large corporations from poisoning our own land and our own people and taking advantage of the trust and money of American citizens (does this not shock and outrage anyone else?). And, it's gotten us a nasty economic recession. It has fostered a culture of greed, materialism, discontent (through the "free market" driven advertising machine) and fear (of loss of all our material goods) while simultaneously encouraging the atrophy of community and genuine personal relationships - because, let's face it, you can't listen to your iPod and talk to your friends at the same time.

As to the energy crisis - you tell me which is better: relying on tired, old, dangerous methods of deriving power (oil, coal, etc) or inventing new ways of producing energy that 1) do not produce pollution 2) produce new jobs through the requirement for invention and implementation of new technologies 3) increase the diversity of the energy market (which is really what Republicans hate because then they lose their monopoly) which, in turn will make it more stable, 4) create new international markets which we will control, use to grow our economy and be able to attract desirable foreigners with (Scientists and businessmen and investors). just because you are old and afraid of new things (and losing your money) doesn't mean "windmills *ooh scary and silly, not for us burly 'Mericans who like dirt and oil and death* are bad.

Furthermore, on that "capitalist goose that lays the golden egg" - we may have the highest standard of living in the world but we also have the largest gap between economic classes in the world. The poor here are not poor like the poor in Argentina and the rich here are not like the rich in Yugoslavia. Our capitalist system is backed by the Republicans (largely) because they are the beneficiaries - they sit at the top and they like it that way. They certainly don't want to have to dig in the dirt for their living like an honest person.

as to Rush Limbaugh - he's a self-confessed ratings whore, a demagogue who's intentionally inflammatory for the sole reason that weak-minded people dig that kinda shit. i don't know enough about the other talking heads to rip them apart but when your sole form of income relies on how much people like staring at your flapping gob, i tend to be suspicious of your motives (and therefore your loyalties and principles).

the other criticisms are fair to my knowledge

Patty Austin wrote:
>
>
>
> *Please read, even if you are an Obama fan. It is legitimate, written by respected, Lou Prichett, formerly of Proctor and Gamble. Lou Pritchett is one of corporate America 's true living legends- an acclaimed author, dynamic teacher and one of the world's highest rated speakers. Successful corporate executives everywhere** **recognize him as the foremost leader in change management. Lou changed the way America does business by creating an audacious concept that came to be known as "partnering." Pritchett rose from soap salesman to Vice-President, Sales and Customer Development for Procter and Gamble and over the course of 36 years, made corporate history.*
> _______________________________________________________
>
> AN OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT OBAMA
>
> Dear President Obama:
>
>
> You are the thirteenth President under whom I have lived and unlike any of the others, *you truly scare me.*
>
> *You scare me because after months of exposure, I know nothing about you.
>
> *You scare me because I do not know how you paid for your expensive Ivy League education and your upscale lifestyle and housing with no visible signs of support.**
>
> **You scare me because you did not spend the formative years of youth growing up in America and culturally you are not an American.**
>
> **You scare me because you have never run a company or met a payroll.**
>
> **You scare me because you have never had military experience, thus don't understand it at its core.**
>
> **You scare me because you lack humility and 'class', always blaming others.***
>
> **You scare me because for over half your life you have aligned yourself with radical extremists who hate America and you refuse to publicly denounce these radicals who wish to see America fail.**
>
> **You scare me because you are a cheerleader for the 'blame America 'crowd and deliver this message abroad.**
>
> **You scare me because you want to change America to a European style country where the government sector dominates instead of the private sector.**
>
> **You scare me because you want to replace our health care system with a government controlled one.**
>
>
>
> **You scare me because you prefer 'wind mills' to responsibly capitalizing on our own vast oil, coal and shale reserves.**
>
> **You scare me because you want to kill the American capitalist goose that lays the golden egg which provides the highest standard of living in the world.***
>
> **You scare me because you have begun to use 'extortion' tactics against certain banks and corporations.**
>
> **You scare me because your own political party shrinks from challenging you on your wild and irresponsible spending proposals.***
>
> **You scare me because you will not openly listen to or even consider opposing points of view from intelligent people.**
>
> **You scare me because you falsely believe that you are both omnipotent and omniscient.**
>
> **You scare me because the media gives you a free pass on everything you do.**
>
> **You scare me because you demonize and want to silence the Limbaughs, Hannitys, O'Relllys and Becks who offer opposing, conservative points of view.**
>
> **You scare me because you prefer controlling over governing.**
>
> **Finally, you scare me because if you serve a second term I will probably not feel safe in writing a similar letter in 8 years.**
>
> **Lou Pritchett**
>
> ***TRUE**** - CHECK: ****http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/youscareme.asp**
>
>
> **This letter was sent to the NY Times but they never acknowledged it.**** **** Big surprise****!**** Since it hit the internet, however, it has had over 500,000 hits. Keep it going. All that is**** ****necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing.. It's happening right now.**

Birthday Bike!

2009-08-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

Puch

First, Be Not Jealous

2009-08-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

I don't really come out and say it much, but if you read between the lines of my posts you can see a deep-seated angst writ large. I am not a happy person, I am a discontent. To my eyes the grass is more often greener on the other side of the fence. To my mind, what I have is not enough. And what's worse is the fact that I know I shouldn't be - quite a conundrum: being discontent and then being convicted of being discontented.

Which is why today is such a big day for me; today in church, I (for lack of a better term) picked up on a message which stuck with me - well, there were two, actually, but I will tell you this one first: First, be not Jealous.

And it struck me as so obvious that this has been my problem, and I was a little upset that, considering how apparent this is, I hadn't noticed it sooner. Yet the implications are enormous:

be not jealous of another person's body
be not jealous of another person's clothes
be not jealous of another person's face
be not jealous of another person's job
be not jealous of another person's house/apartment/condo
be not jealous of another person's car
be not jealous of another person's city of residence
be not jealous of another person's knowledge
*be not jealous of another person's friends*
be not jealous of another person's gear (camping, climbing, photo, whatever)
*be not jealous of another person's accomplishments*
be not jealous of another person's relationship status
be not jealous of another person's charisma
be not jealous of another person's experiences

We are told that what we have is sufficient but for some reason I have chosen to ignore/deny that and it has made me freaking miserable. The list above is a list of jealousies that I have/do struggle with, the ones with asterisks especially so. Is it any wonder I make myself miserable?

Serendipitously (?), I was making another list in my head earlier this weekend - a list of things I expect of myself. I expect myself to be able to:

impress my boss at every given opportunity (with knowledge, insight and creativity)
supersede my colleagues in grades, ingenuity, work ethic, successful projects, ambition, knowledge and insight
help anyone who needs it regardless of the nature of the need (psychological, spiritual, physical, monetary, whatever)
always act magnanimously towards everyone
be everyone's friend (provide everyone in my life with deep, meaningful friendship)
need no one's friendship (be capable of living in solitude)
make new friends (ha! yeah right)
fix what i think is wrong with me without help from other people
have impressive taste/knowledge in music
live on less than i make
know how to pull the most value from every dollar that comes into my hands
save a life
(given enough materials, time and practice) build anything
(given enough time and information) understand anything
cook a gourmet meal that would score at least 3 stars with little preparation or planning
be a legendary lover
stand up for myself without being a jackass
stand up for what is right without being a jackass
judge right from wrong (not so easy)
teach/communicate anything (delusional. i know)
decrease my carbon and water footprint continually
know how to support local economy (and actually follow through)
foster racial reconciliation in my own life and abroad
be an active political voice for my beliefs with my representatives in the government

phew! what a list. and most of it is rubbish - I may expect myself to be able to do these things but I know (from experience and from common sense) that I cannot do most of them singly let alone all of them together.

i hate being a perfectionist.

not much new with me

2009-07-30T22:06:00.000-07:00

except i've been sick this last week with something causing tonsilitis. i think i'm going to have to get them removed here at some point 'cause every time i've been sick this last year it's resulted in tonsilitis and although i don't think it's getting progressively worse, it's certainly not getting any less severe. i'll probably have to wait until my airway closes off before i can talk my doctor into ordering the surgery ('cause at that point i will call the ambulance and they will cut the buggers out at the hospital, referral or no).

also i've started looking for a new place in earnest; i've been watching craigslist and roomates.com for a couple of weeks now. and tonight i had all i could take of my ass of a neighbor's "music" and went to uptown to scope out apartment buildings - found a couple of nice ones, maybe they'll pan out. i still have my fingers crossed for a roommate, but i'm not holding my breath.

i have to present my 'work' at lab meeting next monday. wish me luck.

oh, and i have a new bike. photos to follow soon. i promise.

p.s. i am a volunteering fail - didn't happen. i suck. oh well

Arena (a rough draft)

2009-07-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

My road -
A desert course,
Meets itself
in the searing sand.

One sad lone soul
Still struggles 'round the track
His heart a war-torn
No-Man's Land.

Bereft of peace,
& Starved for rest
He dare not stop
to catch his breath.

His feet and hands
Are scabbed and bleeding,
Heart
Has nearly done with beating

Fingers swollen,
Eyes gone blind,
Is't for the best?
Not to see behind?

His chest is heaving,
Legs are aching.
Joints and sinews
Undertaking

To up and quit
And drop this fool
Straight in his tracks -
in a pool

Of what once was sweat
But now is tears
Although of late
They look like years.

A gasp, a draw
Of searing air
O'er teeth and tongue
Still barely there

Lights one last glimpse
Of Hell on Earth.
Scoured bones
Strew blasted turf

Empty domes - once lofty
Beacons
Homing logic, solving conflict

Now lie shattered.
Ivory shards

Attesting to
Men gone by,
Fellow pilgrims
on this psychotic ride

Hegel, Kant, Plato, Luther
Soren, Calvin & Thoreaux
All walked this road

'longside me
and failed.

I go on
where they have not
For
words and thoughts
Bring little solace
to one alone

there are 3 men in this world

2009-07-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

who i absolutely respect.

1) my father; I have never met a man with more tenacity, more determination or a better work ethic. That man and his wife have made a living out of nothing and provided for a family of five (including a college education for me and my brothers) using nothing but the grace of God and their own elbow grease. I try every day (and often fail) to live up to that standard.

2) Pastor Eugene; the first man I have known who knew what he was supposed to do with his life and went out and did it - damn the torpedos. i wish i knew what i am supposed to do with my life.

3) Shane Claiborne; never have I heard a man teach who has such a firm grasp on Truth. His foundation is rock solid; he can see through all the double-talk and lies and schemes to what truly matters. He can actually point out the false assumptions that so many of us blindly accept as fact and he has no problem dragging those falsehoods, kicking and screaming, into the light of public scrutiny.
As someone who values Truth and seeks to never be satisfied with anything less, I can tell you that sifting through the bullshit to find the reality behind something (anything) is not always easy. We are inundated with formulas for life - AIG will tell you that, in order to have a happy life, you need to be insured (with them, specifically). Pfizer will tell you that, in order to be happy you must take pills (specifically, theirs and not their competitors'). Bank of America [would] tell you that, in order to be happy, you must have a very large home with excessive luxuries all financed with a loan (through them. and not their competition). Mainstream America (i.e. the folks who set the rules around here - officially and unofficially) has a particular formula for success in life which anyone can enumerate simply by watching some television and making notes on what the happy people in the commercials are doing and what they look like. First, you must be a rich, young, white male. If you can't manage that, tough rocks, you'll just have to compromise. Second, you must have a glamorous career. Among the acceptable careers are: generic business careers culminating in a corporate executive position, lawyer, doctor, mucky-muck of the entertainment world or professional athlete. Third, you must look right which means driving the right car, wearing the right clothes and jewelry, carrying the right phone and being seen in the right place (which also informs where you live and where and with whom you choose to socialize). Fourth, you must think the way you are told; i.e. you must equate your worth and identity with what you own (in numbers, preferably) and how you measure up to the points just mentioned, you must use your time and resources to pursue power and money and things in whatever method that manifests itself for your particular social circle and you must live in fear of the loss of your comfort and social position. In short, the formula for "happiness" in America is: if someone can sell something to you and it is shiny or otherwise desired by other people (often because they are told to), you should do everything within your power to acquire that thing or image. And it is all bullshit. It is ALL a LIE and don't ever forget it or buy into it.
Evangelical Christianity will tell you that, in order to have a happy life (and afterlife) you need to be married and have kids and live in suburbia and attend church and tithe and look a certain way (often the same way that the mainstream tells us how to look) and talk a certain way, say specific things in particular conversations, and vote a certain way (especially when it comes to *gasp* abortion). And it is a LIE. If your church defines you in any way other than as a child of God, and if your church ceases to care about your story as a child of God who is a broken creature being redeemed by God, that institution ceases to be, in fact, a Church and becomes nothing more than a social club (which unfortunately, happens to bear the name of "Church" and still carries some of that authority). Beware the wolf in sheep's clothing.
Some social circles will tell you that, to be happy, you must wear fashionable clothes and frequent the bar scene and have casual sex with as many people as possible (of course, there are a plethora of fashion and technological accessories that you also must have to 'make it' in the party world). Other social circles will tell you that, in order to be happy you must wear clothes from thrift stores and drink lots of cheap beer and have "ironic" hair or fashion accessories and you must define yourself by what bands you've seen and who you know.

There are endless formulas in this world for how to live your life, and near as I can tell, they are all lies meant to get you to spend your money and/or put your authority (as puny as it may be) behind some other name or cause.

so what is the Truth? What should we do with our lives? I wish I knew. I wish I had the grasp on Truth that Shane Claiborne has; maybe I should have waited to post this until I have it figured out, but that may never happen. I CAN tell you that you should beware anything with a price tag and any kind of love with conditions attached. The best ways I know to avoid the traps mentioned above are: one, think for yourself, don't do something simply because someone else (including a company) tells you to - put some thought into it, try a few jobs out before making a career choice, ask yourself if you really do want to go to that party, and then pay attention to yourself for the answer. Two, get over yourself, you are not a special snowflake and the universe does not revolve around you; if you do not get that new pair of shoes, you will still wake up the next morning and the earth will still be spinning, get over yourself. Three, un-learn the lie that life can be safe and happy, this world is ruthless and mother nature, unforgiving; it only takes a second for a man or woman to die, so don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.

sorry i haven't been around here much

2009-07-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

motivation for writing here is flagging for some reason.

but i do have some news(!) - i got my first climbing harness a few weekends ago and i got to use it last Wednesday; there is a group of people from school who head out to Golden and go climbing up there once a week so, hopefully, i can make another trip out tomorrow. i confess i'm not that good, but i do like it and i think i can get better pretty quickly. Maybe my plan B for life can be professional climbing, hahaha.

secondly, the lease on my crappy apartment is up in about 6 weeks! So i am looking for a new place to live - it's still too far out for craigslist stuff, but i am using roommates.com to look for a place. i am trying to find some roommates, some people to share a little bit of life with, but i'm not holding my breath. i had originally thought that i could hook something up through church but i have faced a dilemma there lately too: I can either spend weekends with real friends up in Northern Colorado or I can try and put down roots here at the church I've found. Unfortunately, I have been unable to do both. So, yeah, doesn't look like church is going to work out as a realtor. but that's ok, maybe next year.

things in lab are moving slowly, i won't bore you with more than that. Comp's are already on the radar (typically held in Nov-Dec) so that's not fun, but they are kinda required so I guess I had better not ignore them. I passed prelim's with flying colors (despite some really nasty grades from a couple of faculty who shall remain nameless).

not quite ready for the publisher

2009-07-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

(like they ever will be *snicker*) but, i've been working on some of the half-assed poems i've posted up here and i think they're getting rather good. here they (all) are - didn't rework all of them, just the first two. and the last one. i like the others as they are (input welcome):

"Exactly How Long Is A Year?"

"The House of Sand And Fog"

"haiku.ish"

"Hope"

"Doubt"

"Fight"

"The End of Summer"

"Autumn"

and if i can find my scribblings, i have another one for you I'm calling "Arena" but right now I can't find the scrap of paper I started it on nor do I remember how it starts, so, who knows

EDIT: found Arena

don't waste your time

2009-07-05T06:55:00.000-07:00

with that misogynistic bullshit i mentioned earlier ("The Lie") - what a waste of my life, reading that book. The deepest insight it has into humanity is that there are a lot of selfish people in the world willing to do anything to increase their level of creature comforts. I denounce and reject that life and lifestyle.

"A Fire Upon the Deep," however, is shaping up to be a good piece of work - there is actually ingenuity there and insight into humanity as well as some good ol' adventurin' - good stuff (why is it that the only books i like happen to be sci fi novels? - not just any sci fi, mind you, but the good stuff)

bought a new book

2009-06-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

book shopping is not straightforward like, say, shopping for a shirt or a tie is. there is no particular color to look for, no single cut that looks good on you, no single font that simply 'does it' for me, no one publisher that i can rely on to consistently find and produce quality work. i know i am looking for a good book. not a funny book, not a cute book, not a book about three generations of women and how they manage to eat baked potatoes twice a week or whatever mindless bullshit fills the pages of that tripe. not a book about aliens and princesses and sorcerers and bionic commandoes or besieged rulers or ancient cities. i am SICK of the molds, sick of the formulas and the patterns and all the worthless dross that moulds upon the shelves of pretty much any bookstore anymore. no more books about angsty suburban teenagers or brave American pioneers or cliche traveling novels. I have had it with overpriced 19th-century doorstops soaked in opium so thick and heavy they should be marketed as a therapy for insomnia. I want a book with a voice, I want an author with balls. I want a book that is going to forcibly rip my mind from my skull, spin it around and hurl it into a universe so completely unlike our own that my words cease to relay any kind of relevant information about it. I want an author who can cut all the bullshit about people out of a discussion on humanity and produce an actual insight. I want an author who doesn't rely on sex and guns to build tension, who doesn't dangle a character in front of mortal danger to get you to turn to the next chapter. i want a freaking wordsmith. i want a genius.

i got "The Lie" by Chad Kultgen & "A Fire Upon the Deep" by Vernor Vinge... we'll see how they go

Update: "The Lie" is NOT what i was looking for, it is a misogynistic sledgehammer of cynicism and hatred; instead of releasing me from the sick sick games of our world, it has drug me down into their depths. i do not recommend it. i am hoping it will redeem itself in the end, but i'm not holding my breath

pics from da trip

2009-06-19T08:17:00.001-07:00

Summer of Sky '09

one down, one to go

2009-06-11T14:49:00.001-07:00

feel pretty good about it, too

PRELIMINARY EXAMS

2009-06-10T19:29:00.001-07:00

so prelims - or at least the first day of them - are tomorrow. and even though i'm not freaking out about it right now, you just watch, i'll be back here in about 4 or 5 hours griping about how i can't sleep. though i do have a plan for that: take drugs, then go to sleep. drugs like antihistamines haha, not opiates. anyway, yeah, i've been studying for quite a while now and i feel like i've got a pretty good foundation and that things will go well; of course that's me trying to read the future and read the minds of instructors writing the questions so i could be way off since these question could go in an infinite number of directions, but i don't really think it even matters that much either way - if i fail, i get out of the grueling life of a grad student and i am free to go do something else, if i pass i get to pursue this amazing opportunity to use my mind to help others and (cross your fingers and toes and any sticks you can find laying around) make a positive impact in this world (Lord knows it needs it).

i still have my frustrations with this whole life(style) - i am not doing it right and the rub is that things don't have to be like this: there are no rules that say i need to be isolated from other people or not volunteering or not building relationships yet i fail to do those things and it really bothers me. i need to stop whining about it and just do something about it. so, internet, hold me to it; if i haven't started getting involved in some capacity somewhere by the end of July, give me the third degree - take away my webcomics or something.

there's also no rule that i have to put myself under as much pressure as i do, but i do. chalk it up to low self-esteem, i guess... or fear... yeah, don't know how i'm going to tackle that one...

pretty stoked about this next week - brothers should be here friday night, then it's party time. i am a little concerned our hiking trails are going to be mud pits what with all the rain we've been having but at this point i don't care. i promise to take pictures and post them.

k, bye innernets

p.s. oh yeah, my computer has recently decided it hates me and the display is starting to act up - i can't really explain it except there's like static in this one chunk of the screen all the time and it's not dead pixels 'cause they move and it's not that the color is off or anything, i really have no idea what is wrong with it, but i feel insulted; like, "really? could you PICK a better time to break on me? right before this huge exam?" stupid machine

a weekend? really?

2009-06-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

yes folks, i did take a weekend this week. the whole weekend. no school. for two whole days. it has been... pretty incredible. i have been working on my mangum opus (see: CORE class study guide, i.e. molecular cell biology textbook + biochem appendix, which i may post somewhere and link to from here, who knows) for about a week and a half and I was feeling pretty good about it and like I didn't need to keep at it over the weekend - in fact, that maybe some rest would do me good. So, friday night i had an indoor soccer game, as per usual. And we lost, as per usual; a pretty miserable situation, really - we only had 1 female player show up and league rules state you field 2 women at all times or play a man down, so we played a man down. and subsuquently lost to a team we had beaten earlier in the season. To make matters worse, i only played about two minutes when i had a full-on collision with someone from the other team and split my bottom lip open all the way down. bled like a muthertrucker and i was more than a little paranoid it wouldn't close but here i am, typing away, two days later... so, something is working in there. Needless to say, I didn't play the rest of the game for fear it would open up and start bleeding again. it is pretty ugly but looks like it will heal up soon (hopefully before we leave next week on our hiking trip(!)).
yesterday i got to do all those things i love sooo much: laundry, cleaning, dishes, groceries, blech. but then i took the bike out for a spin and apart from the poor condition of some spots in the path, the bike held up pretty well - no busted stuff (well, no new busted stuff anyway - still gotta get that steering tube replaced and i would really like to get a set of brakes that don't suck and actually match, and a matching road tire for the front wheel instead of the fatty hybrid tire on it now).
today, i went to church then came home and lounged around for a while and tried to take a nap, but my ass of a neighbor had his sh*tty music on too loud, so that didn't work out to well. anyway, i got sick of being inside and decided i would go to the book store down the way. but they were closed. so i went next door to the record store which i had never been in before. it was pretty good - a little cleaner and neater than i'm used to (here's looking @ you, Sonic Boom, and various othe seattle record stores. i love you, but you're filthy)... anyway, real good selection and used copies of nearly everything i was interested in, so i got my music on the cheap. about that, as you may (or may not) know, i lost my hard drive about a year ago to some sort of horrible error with my disc drive and with it, most of my music collection (as i had stolen most of it while on the SPU network, love myTunes, love it) and didn't have physical back-up's of much. so i have been living as half a person while slowly replacing the stuff that was most important to me. this time it was Haughty Melodic by Mike Doughty and Beatiful Freak by the Eels. Someday I hope to re-stock my library of Bright Eyes and Minus the Bear and the Postal Service and The Pixies and Weezer and Nada Surf and a whole bunch more (especially the debut album by Chin Up Chin Up - We Never Should Have Lived Like We Were Skyscrapers).
for now, though, things are coming along slowly.
i think i have most of the food we will need for the hiking trip; got the maps and gear i needed last weekend (full-on med kit, new water filter, new lamp, some bowls and some waterproof bags)... a trip to the mechanic's should set up my car for the trip and we will be good to go.
now i just gotta pass prelim's. wish me luck

things i wish existed on the internet

2009-06-04T09:31:00.001-07:00

a comprehensive table of animal models in disease research
a comprehensive table of drugs used in cell and molecular biology research
the answers to my preliminary exams

Insomnia

2009-06-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

is not my friend. stupid brain won't be quiet.
i would like to blame it all on prelim's coming up soon but i think that the problem is more my caffeine addiction plus my ambition - why do i want to get so much done in a single day? or rather, why can't i be more productive with the time i have and just let the rest work itself out?
i still haven't called the Ranger's stations to see if the trails are expected to be open week after next.

tentative trip - Summer of Sky '09

2009-05-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

View Larger Map

Stop1?
http://activities.wildernet.com/pages/rectype.cfm?areaID=020601&rectype=Backpacking&CU_ID=1

Stop 2?
http://activities.wildernet.com/pages/rectype.cfm?areaID=021201&rectype=Hiking%20%26%20Walking&CU_ID=1

define "spirit"

2009-05-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

k.
without getting into intangibles, i define it like this: the driving principle behind an entity. or the true identity of a thing.

^sshhhh^

2009-05-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

it's my 200th post and for some reason, the posts i number get taken down...
so, hooray me, i am now technicaly pleonastic (adj. the use of more words than necessary to convey meaning, either as a fault of style or for emphasis) because, if you haven't gotten a good sense of who i am by now, well, i just don't know what to tell you.

apart from that, it's been a week of firsts. and seconds. and really more like 2 weeks (possibly three, i lose track). let me enumerate:
a) i now have a thesis lab! (probably studying persistor populations of bacteria - hopefully some mechanisms!) i officially start july 1. but unofficially i will be working this week and the last week of June as well
b) i officially have the week after prelim's off - including both weekends. gonna go hiking con mis hermanos. woot! (don't know where yet - any suggestions highly welcome)
c) i went hiking with the meetup group for the first time - huzzah. we went to Windy Peak (details and photos to follow. if i remember. and if the photos get posted to the meetup site)
d) went to a movie by myself for the first time ever - brad, you'd be so proud haha. saw Star Trek; good movie.
e) went to Trampled by Turtles (for the second time) - awesome
f) went to the pub with other students - maybe (cross all your phalanges (and tarsals) here, i don't want to jinx it), maybe just maybe starting to find my niche/clique/?
7) failed to go to the bike shop and get the steering tube (not stem. seems like the steering tube should be called a stem to me because the steering tube would be the casing for the stem in my mind) or lamps. i fell asleep instead. this weekend, i promise. actually, if i left like ten minutes ago, i might have been able to do it today.
8) made tzatziki and horiatiki (Greek food) which actually aren't half bad on baked potatoes (fresh out of lamb and pita)
9) ummm... i think that's actually it. for now.

HOL-Y SHIT

2009-05-14T09:19:00.001-07:00

First Human Clone (why do i get all my news from comedy websites?)
also, who will join me in the fight against this madman!?

frustrating

2009-05-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

apparently everyone takes for granted what i want to know: what is it, exactly, that macrophages do when challenged by bacteria? What do they produce? What do they not produce? what i wouldn't give for a decent textbook...

Me

2009-05-09T10:20:00.003-07:00

Rut

China

2009-05-09T10:20:00.001-07:00

Irresponsible

revelation

2009-05-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

or maybe conviction? anyway, i saw a co-worker at the store today and we chatted for a few minutes. but one thing really jumped out to me: how desperately alone most of us are. and, furthermore, how incredibly selfish i have been, focusing on my own troubles and lonliness. so, what do i do about it? i feel impotent about the whole thing; i know she has a serious boyfriend back home and so i feel like if i make an effort, it's going to look like i'm trying to move in. but, on the other hand, can i do nothing? i have always tried to pride myself on having the stones to do what is right in spots like this, regardless. but, i failed today. i fail a lot these days.

how ironic is it

2009-05-02T14:34:00.000-07:00

that, in the event of an actual flu pandemic (see: not the "swine flu"), my anti-social behavior will lead to increased chances for my survival and also increased anti-social behavior?

this may just save your life

2009-04-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

or not. but it is pretty awesome

http://www.tiphero.com

bummer

2009-04-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

if i actually knew how bikes are put together, i would have put this... together (ha ha) a long time ago - the handlebars of my bike don't always align square with the wheel. i can fix it by loosening the stem, righting it and tightening the stem again. However, every time the handlebars get jarred (going over a bump, dropping the bike, what have you) it comes out of alignment. i got thoroughly sick of it today so i checked it out, pulling the stem out. that's when i saw it was broken [insert pic for dramatic effect. except i'm out of batteries]. so, it will still ride, but it makes me nervous. and i would dearly love to get a new stem so that it steers properly.

also wanna get new brakes (the whole shebang)

oh yeah, and a new front wheel (27" x 1.25")

any suggestions for good sites for vintage (or simple modern) road bike parts?

drop the drama

2009-04-19T11:40:00.000-07:00

and the pretense and the competition and just be.

our lives are story. that is fact. who we are, how we see ourselves, how others see us are stories that we tell ourselves and each other. all of history is one vast narrative - that which has gone before us is inconsequential until it becomes part of the explanation of who we are and where we are. even most of our successful business enterprises are founded on stories (think: the print and entertainment industries).

so it's not hard to understand that we want our stories to be good ones - moving ones, compelling ones, heart-breaking ones, jubilant ones; but we don't need to force it. we don't need to inject more drama or more layers of complexity into an already complicated narrative. yet i catch myself doing it every single stupid chance i get. i need to relax. i need to just be and forget about all of the coulda shoulda woulda's and just work with what i got.

2009-04-16T07:47:00.001-07:00

Go Without

2009-04-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Choices > Feelings

2009-04-11T15:55:00.001-07:00

Laugh
(even if you don't want to. Especially if you don't want to)

2009-04-09T07:29:00.001-07:00

Embrace Failure

2009-04-07T07:17:00.001-07:00

Welcome Doubt

2009-04-06T07:21:00.001-07:00

Choose Hope

The Magic Factor

2009-03-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

I have a problem folks: basically, I am a perfectionist. And the world we live in is not perfect. By any means (case in point: that was a sentence fragment. But it elicits the ideal effect and so I use it). In my head this world could be perfect; there is potential for things to work the way it seems they are meant to such that everyone wins. Now most people, me included, want to jump in here and point out all the ways that what I just proposed will never happen. But I want to take this in a particular direction.
When I catch myself scheming to make this world or my life or my city more perfect than it is I wind up with a list of things to do. And most of the list is straightforward and can be easily broken down into manageable steps; e.g. "mount city-wide ad campaign to convince people to recycle --> save money for ad campaign/fundraise + design ads + contact RTD + make press releases etc." However some of the steps refuse to be broken down easily; i.e. saving money to mount an ad campaign is not realistic for me and so fundraising is the other option but that breakdown eludes me - I haven't done it before and I don't know where to start. So we start on an auxiliary cycle of guess-and-check trials to learn how to fundraise. Eventually, what happens is I have a step that looks like this: what i know how to do + what I don't know how to do ==> desired result
In essence I skip a step (in my head) to get to my desired result. It is this skipped step that I call the Magic Factor. Because it is magic to me - I don't know how it works and I don't know how to break it down. So when I start lamenting my lack of social skills I begin to brainstorm on how to fix them and always. Always. it comes down to this: "just be more sociable/amicable." And that is a Magic Factor, folks; if I knew how to be more sociable/friendly/amicable, I wouldn't be in the spot I am now. By being unable to break the step down into things I know how to do this becomes a catch-22. It's the equivalent of the Sports Dad telling his clumsy son "just stop being uncoordinated" or "just stop sucking at __X__" - don't you think if he knew how, he would?

virology sucks.

2009-03-23T23:12:00.000-07:00

that is all

Moustache March

2009-03-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

gone horribly wrong

i needed a haircut. bad - it was starting to get curly and unruly. and i am way too stinking cheap to go somewhere and pay to have it done - especially when i have the clippers and can do it myself. and it hasn't been a problem before; my buzz came out looking great every time i have done this before today. but tonight, the clippers slipped in my hands and took a huge gouge out of my hair at the nape of my neck - too far up to fix by adjusting the hairline and too deep to blend in. so, i manned up and shaved it.
it's not skin-tight, that is a lot of work and i don't want to deal with it or waste my razor blades.
now i need to modify the moustache so i don't look like a skinhead. *sigh* brilliant, Chad, just brilliant

unrelated

2009-03-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

toothpastefordinner.com

uneasiness.seated in bedrock

walks through the night with me

lost another post

2009-03-17T07:06:00.001-07:00

to the caprice of Blogger.com. i do not know where these things go but it's a good thing i am obsessive-compulsive about my post count (was 180 when i went to bed last night and 179 this morning). so here it is again, it was entitled

"In My Life I Have Been"

(In chronological order)
(note, asterisk denotes paid position):
a student (and still am),
a babysitter*,
a landscaper/yard-boy*,
a salesman*,
a musician (yes, i count junior high and high school band. especially marching band),
a high-school athlete,
a carpenter* (off and on),
a member of the church choir,
an unofficial, unlicensed personal therapist,
a pizzeria employee* (see: bitch-boy),
an actor (hey, high school drama club still counts. and it's probably a lot more embarrassing than other venues)
a gas-station attendant and Taco Bell empoloyee* (see: bitch-boy),
a sub-contractor* (off and on. mostly residential construction - remodels, porches, pole-barns, etc),
a barista* (off and on),
an unofficial, unlicensed guidance counselor,
a bartender* (wine bar. nothing cool),
an (unsuccessful) activist,
a philosopher,
a lab assistant* (see: bitch-boy),
a theologian,
a sandwich shop employee* (see: bitch-boy),
a summer camp counselor*,
and i am now,
a graduate student*.

and i am having this ongoing dialogue with my mom about how one needs to experience things to know if one can or cannot stand to do them for the rest of one's life. all of those things up there on that list fall under the category of "Cannot Do This For Rest of Life"

the fact of the matter is that it is 8:46pm MST on a Thursday night (which I just had to look up to make sure of the day of the week) and i should be going over a presentation that i am going to give a dry run on tomorrow to my boss (that sentence's grammar was atrocious. and i don't care). but instead i am listening to podcasts and reading humor blogs and staring blankly at this post, pecking it out bit by bit.

So what have i got left to try?
photographer or photojournalist,
author,
forest ranger,
ski (snowboard) bum - prob. not gonna happen,
entrepeneur - been thinking about a landscaping business or a bookstore/cafe,
pastor,
chef,
linguist,
itinerant bum,
test subject,
video game designer (hey, i can learn to code or draw),
___________ (taking suggestions)

-peace-

p.s. one more disappearing post and i am migrating to wordpress

Post

2009-03-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

.bump.

i have nothing to talk about tonight. anyone wanna send me crib notes for Epstein-Barr virus?

Science

2009-03-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

is pretty much the ruling theme of my life lately - big surprise, right? i even get a free subscription to a magazine of the same name through school (and the AAAS). So it's little wonder that I was flipping through the periodical from the 27 of February while on the jon when i came across a letter to the editor entitled "Neuroscience and the Soul." Being a fan of both, I decided to take a little peek at what Martha J. Farah and Nancey Murphey had to say about two such interesting topics.

I'll tell you what they had to say (in no uncertain terms): Your God Of The Gaps approach to the Soul will fail just like it has for so many other 'sacred' topics throughout history ("However, as neuroscience begins to reveal the mechanisms underlying personality, love, morality and spirituality, the idea of a ghost in the machine becomes strained." paragraph 4).

Statements like that typically put me in fighting stance and on good ground - usually, when scientists venture out of the lab long enough to comment on something intangible like the soul or the existence of God, they don't have a leg to stand on: they have no data, they have no hypotheses, they have no precedent (thinking of you, Dawkins). What they do typically have is an opinion and a bully pulpit to shout it from (again, thinking of you, Dawkins). What's more is they command both a certain mystique and the respect of many people such that what they have to say isn't critically examined for merit (ok, I'm thinking Behe here now, lol). Since these fantastic and (typically) inflammatory opinions have little actual support it is easy to cry 'foul' and to decry the abuse of power that these irresponsible scientists so brazenly flaunt. My closing remarks in such cases usually say something to the effect that science should concern itself with what is testable and leave the intangible things to others; science may have aspirations, but it is not God and never will be.

But this is different. It is different because of the way people have defined the Soul throughout the ages (best summed up as "the ghost in the machine") which leaves its sovereignty vulnerable to the investigations of neuroscience. We have defined the soul as that first motivation, the rationale and logic behind our decisions or our conscious mind (the ongoing thought process). And what neuroscientists at least think they are discovering (I would like to point out that the entire letter is speculation. and speculation is bad science - armchair science. things have a nasty habit of not working out the way we think they will) is that the underlying motivation for all of our decisions has a material source. Put another way, these neuroscientists are betting that, at some point, a computing device will be able to predict - with 100% accuracy how we will choose to act in a given situation.

I applaud their bravery here; to say that we have no souls, to subscribe to a completely reductionistic worldview takes balls. I know I can't do it; without the meaning my life gains from believing I have a soul and a Creator and that whole kit and caboodle I sank into a bottomless depression which would have ended in my death (what I'm saying is that I tried living with a completely reductionist worldview and it made life miserable and unlivable). As far as the choice to believe in or against the worldview given us by Jesus Christ, I would rather side with Pascal who famously said that, given the stakes, he would rather take Christ at his word and be proved wrong after death than live a life without regard for what Christ had to say and discover he was right (paraphrased).

But what both sides have failed to do is to reexamine their notion of the soul. I can tell you with utmost honesty, that with a little introspection, a little observation and some logical induction, I cannot with honesty tell you that my soul is the thing that tells me what to do. In fact, if I am honest, the thing that tells me what to do most often resides below my belt and if he isn't calling the shots, it's usually my gut (in other words, my physical comfort - either in the short-term or the long-term). What I believe is my soul is, in fact, not the great motivator or decision-maker of my life; those functions belong to my consciousness which is some sort of complex interaction between my nature, my past experiences, my memory of those past experiences and my current circumstances.

Sure, it's easy to write off the soul as that which motivates us which is why so many people have taken that as their definition. But I think they are missing the point.

And I know that many, if not most will not resonate with this, but try it on for size and see what you think. "My soul is, rather, all of my experiences and choices. My soul is the process of beginning at naïve and becoming a person with definition."

I had thought about putting it one of these other ways:

1) "My soul is a thing that is still yawning into consciousness every day of my life - startled into waking by a breath-taking sunset and learning from every moment of my life; its identity seems hidden to me and yet at times I know its character."

2) "The deepest definition of myself that I can claim."

3) "The fullest understanding of who i am, encompassing all of my desires and hopes and fears."

Obviously I am not settled on a concrete definition, but I think you can see where I am headed with it: the soul stems from experience therefore it matters not how predictable one is for there is no substitute for experience.

As to the afterlife, Ithink it very possible that my soul may live on, but that is something I cannot know until after it happens or doesn't happen and so I will not concern myself with it.

so i can't sleep

2009-03-09T22:47:00.000-07:00

i blame the coffee i had from 3-4 this afternoon - i couldn't help it! a group project for class wanted to meet at the coffee shop. and i am weak.

i also have my bike up and running! yeah, pretty stoked about that. it still gets cold some days here so my forays are somewhat limited. also need to get some lights so i can ride at night. and probably some reflective tape. would really love to get a new backpack: my old one is wearing thin and not really big enough.

in other news i had my first indoor soccer game on Sunday night. we lost 9-6 but put up a good fight - the other team was quite good, lots of strong players and they worked well together and were even ahead for a while (we hadn't actually met each other before that game). and i feel like i got run over by a truck this morning. at least i can walk.

i also did my taxes today and it looks like i should get a refund! seems like a good week so far (if you don't count all the classwork and junk.lol)

Not Long Ago

2009-03-05T22:35:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me these two questions: 1) How do you view yourself? & 2) How does God view you?

I hesitated to post this because, well for one my mother reads this and is going to have a knee-jerk reaction to it which i'm not looking forward to, and also because it strikes me as incredibly narcissistic. but that doesn't mean there isn't merit in the question or in my approach to an answer; so take this for what it is: some late-night ramblings of a self-confessed sociopath and if you can get something out of it, awesome; if not, don't obsess over it, just put it behind you

my answer to the first question runs thusly...

I see myself as: the dead-end failure of numerous disparate ideas, plans and attempts at completing something of note; I am the sum of all my unanswered questions and abortive projects. I am a study in schizophrenic living.

Whatever I was once or have been, I am no longer; and all of my past selves aren't speaking to each other. I have walked down many roads and remembered very few of them. I am a pilgrim with no memory and no goal. I have nothing to live for (cue my mother freaking out).

I have no vision for my life; all the stories and promises of my early youth are showing themselves as lies - there is no Great Task, no Inescapable Destiny, no Mission and no Vision. And whether or not that is due to something I have done or not done, I do not know. What I do know is that dragging myself out of bed in the morning is difficult and I know that whatever I attempt I will bungle.

my answer to the second question goes something like this:

1) refusing to fall for the bait and present the knee-jerk opposite reaction in order to a) make me feel sad and have a pity-party or b) make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside so i can justify keeping the status quo & 2) considering that i am NOT God and therefore cannot speak for him & 3) refusing to appropriate biblical promises without decent grounds

God probably sees me as lost and stuck.

Apart from that, I assume he sees potential - potential for what I couldn't begin to guess.

i would like to know

2009-03-03T18:03:00.000-08:00

where my posts keep disappearing to. this time i didn't even get an email. this is weird.

the offer still stands - if you have an opinion of me, i would like to hear it (anonymous posting still an option).

later

despite this incredibly depressing post

2009-02-23T21:58:00.001-08:00

i am having a pretty good day - finished my hideous midterm (may have failed it) but went to class and introduced myself to my next rotation lab and had a good dinner (homemade guacamole and chips and salad. mmm mmm haha) *sigh, the subtleties of my sarcastic wit are lost in the written word. emoticons cannot save that last sentence; suffice it to say i enjoyed my meager meal and yet fully recognize how inadequate it is - and don't forget to be aware that it is only my laziness that kept me from something a bit more substantial*

regardless, i noticed the following file sitting on my desktop and i realized i had no idea what was inside it so i checked it out and kinda liked it and thought i should work on it some more. it still needs work - primarily a conclusion, but i like it (suggestions welcome). anyway, here it is, it is entitled

"Exactly How Long Is A Year?"

the years are full
to bursting
with things we didn't do;

sandlot baseball
diamonds
that never saw a shoe.

midnight road trips
left
un-driven,

frisbees laying on the floor.

city buses
not once ridden
just to see where they would go.

pick-up
soccer matches
lost
to time's unending tide

people
gone unwatched
in malls
we never went inside

backyard
campfires
still unlit

and mountains left to crumble

you, my friend
have missed out
on something great and noble

i could have been your confidant
i could have been your soul-mate

we coulda bent this world to any shape
but we waited far too late

this must be what it means
to be old before your time

to know what once was in your grasp
and press on despite (the loss?) i dunno, i can't figure out how to finish this one

I am blind

2009-02-15T09:36:00.001-08:00

i can't believe i didn't see this a week ago.

i am going through my Ecclesiastes Phase again. i do this on a regular cycle - question life and purpose and my choices. i just wish i had recognized it a little earlier so i could have read over that book again and gained some perspective and encouragment then instead of wallowing in my own misery for a week (that last bit was (mostly) tongue-in-cheek).

now, i know what you're thinking: "Ecclesiastes is one of the bleakest, most depressing books in the Bible, how in the world can you draw encouragement from it?!"

Well, i'll tell you; i gather comfort from the fact that The Teacher faces life unflinchingly; he takes all aspects of life head-on with an attitude of teachability and honesty and comes away standing (even if he is not under his own power). For that, i admire him and take encouragement because that is exactly what (i think) i find myself doing - or at least attempting to do.

his conclusions run thusly:

from our common perspectives and based on our common priorities (i could expand on that, but in the interest of brevity, i will save that rant for some other time), life is a burden and a waste.

from a perspective founded in the Creator and taking our priorities (and role in life) from Him, life is hard fulfilling work.

i conclude that:

he is right
i need to be in community. but i am on that: i am signed up for indoor soccer through school - starts in March. i am signed up for the New Members class at a church i like (not necessarily going to join, but i will check it out a little more thoroughly). my dear mum has sent me some info about some hiking groups out here which i am definitely going to get involved in once they start doing non-snow activities (i jes don't have the gear this year). that should keep me relatively busy. Oh, and there's always the Bike Depot which i keep meaning to volunteer at and forgetting

"futility in labor. no matter where one is. and the awareness of it. producing despair." - me

"However hard I try, I find it impossible to construct anything greater than these three words, "Love one another" -- only to the end, and without exceptions: then all is justified and life is illumined, whereas otherwise it is an abomination and a burden" - Mother Maria of Paris (aka Saint Mary of Paris)

really wanted to post something

2009-02-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

positive and uplifting tonight,
but the only thing i got for inspiration right now is this:

superpoop.com
which made me laugh my ass off by the way.
but that's all i got.
on a related note, since i have been giving this whole "school thing" a lot of thought these last few days (more so than normal; as in, i probably spend a good solid 3 or 4 hours a day obsessing about it and making myself nauseous thinking about it), i have decided that if/when something better comes along i will jump on it. that being said, that might not ever happen; i may finish school before i begin the next "phase" of my life. and that next phase had better make itself freaking obvious to me 'cause i can be incredibley dense sometimes. and it had better wait until my debt is paid off - oh, this is exciting, i was just realizing that i may have a tax rebate coming this year! and, instead of spending it on climbing gear or kitchen crap, i have decided the whole thing is going towards the f-ing credit card. yep, i'm just gonna sign over the check (watch it be like $30).