"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain." - Frank Herbert

it should not be so easy

to get so depressed

been reading through some old posts

and i noticed that they really stink (regarding readability). i promise to spend more time on the next one

I Am Train People

I sat down in the lobby of the train station on the way home a week and a half ago and I had one observation: I Am Train People. And by that I mean that I am a hodge-podge, I do not fit into neat little boxes or categories, I do not have my shit together, not like Plane People.

You know Plane People - those well-dressed folks with smart little carry-ons, labeled properly, packed properly with that extra set of clean underwear and travel toothbrush, magazine and flashlight. They walk fast, talk fast and deal fast, always on their way to the next big meeting, busy saving (or selling) the world.

I am not Plane People. No, I'm not always sure who I am or where I'm going, I don't really care very much if I get there as soon as possible, bumpy rides rarely bother me. The scenery is what it is, I've got leg-room to spare, my baggage nearby and no one has told me to take off my shoes and my belt. I get to have my cell phone on and I can plug my computer in (to save my battery for the plane) (if i get a window seat. if not, well that's just awkward). Or I used to be able to, doesn't look like this train model has the outlets. Suck. Ah well, it's a good deal anyway. Oh, and it's cheaper.

On any given day, you can find just about every ethnic and economic demographic in a train station, some people ride because they hate flying, low prices entice some onto the ol' locomotive. Some do it because they actually get to see some of the scenery along the way, some do it because they choose a life that moves at a slower pace and I'm sure you would get as many answers as people you ask why they ride... regardless of the reason, those who take the train are unconventional at best (while, somehow, being entirely explicable) and it is good to know that I have a label that I am ok with.

In many ways, I am trying to say that I am a Pilgrim. I don't settle well, my mind wanders, I don't like being tied down, I doubt, I ask questions, I will be that guy ignorantly walking down the wrong street at precisely an unwise hour, if I could, I would pick up and move to Italy tonight. I want to learn everything there is to learn about everything, I have an insatiable appetite for wonder and imagination and, somehow, this all fits together in my head. i may need to get that checked ;)

On Christmas (this year)

it's no secret in these parts that my mind has been occupied of late and not with jolly thoughts; there is a January deadline at work that, although I am assured by numerous of my co-workers that it is no big deal, I cannot take lightly. And I did not take it lightly, I worked very hard right before break to get four experiments done - four in one week is a feat, most students I know shoot for one a week and what's more is I was sick and so, in consideration of my co-workers, I switched my schedule up to work nights. *cue the kudos, haha*

In fact, I have been working so hard and been so focused that I, like my friend Katie, have not gotten much into the Holiday spirit. I was aware of this and because of the attitude I required to press on in my work, I didn't much care. I figured, eh what's another sacrifice? I've already given so much, what's one more thing?

To give you some context on this whole thing, Christmas has been my favorite holiday since my earliest memories and for the usual reasons: free stuff, idyllic winter landscapes, beautiful music, time with family, good food, and so on. So it is not good that I so casually dismissed what is a rejuvenating and joyful time for me. Of course, I see that now, when all the helps and aides to enter into the Christmas spirit are done and over for the year, ah, c'est la vie.

What, I did get into at home, was a spirit of peace and relaxation that has been purposely absent from my life for the past six months or so; I lost the nervous tic in my right eyelid, my heart rate slowed, I didn't get panic attacks every night as I tried to fall asleep and I remembered that, even if this whole science thing doesn't work out, there are other ways to make a living.

And I remembered that I can choose my attitude and disposition. Of course, it helps when the sun is out, but I am in a good mood today. Why? Because I choose to be. I could focus on the shortcomings of the day - how I haven't made plans with anybody to do anything in particular, how financial responsibilities will soon require attention, how anything I do plan for the day will cost me in time and money. But I am choosing to focus on the good things: God has provided for me and continues to provide for me (tangibly and un-), the sun is out, it's a holiday and I don't have to go to work if I don't want to, I have my paycheck to maybe treat myself or meet some obligations, the day is wide open to me to do with as I please, and each new day is all potential

No More Games

The Self-that-is-not-SELF plays games. It plays games to win and it plays for keeps, it is brutal, cutthroat and harsh; and it does not surrender. Ever. Your ego can seem like your friend, one of its lies is that it is your friend, your best friend. It will tell you that it knows the game, the rules and the score and that it also knows how to win, even how to cheat. To the Ego, everything is a game: what you wear is a game, the music you listen to is a game, what you say is a game, who you talk to is a game, what you drive is a game, where and what you live in are games, how you make money is a game, where you spend your money and what you decorate your body with are games, what you believe in and who you pray to are games to the Ego. To the Ego, all of life and all of life's aspects are games, games to be won. At any cost. Because when the Ego is winning at life for you, it is in control, master of its universe. And who can say that they do not want to be in control? But even if you (both) win at these games, you (yourself) will lose - you will become someone you are not, someone you do not like. You will compromise and hurt people to get what you (think you) want. You will jettison some (or all) of the things and people you love to obtain your prize. And at the end of your life, what will be more important to you? Scraps of paper or people who love you? Shiny toys or a mind full of good memories? Stories of conquest or stories of adventure? It sounds here like I am advocating winning, which the ego will tell you it can do for you. So how do I explain WINNING over winning? How do I illustrate the ULTIMATE, as my pastor would say? The fact of the matter is that I can't, I can point to it, but I can't define it, I can hardly describe the part of this elephant I am feeling out (that's a reference to the parable about blind men describing an elephant).

And so I am done with allowing the Ego control, it is not my friend and I will no longer let it call the shots, things will not be a game to me, they will be what they are - my job will be my job: the way I get money to pay bills, have fun and buy food and shelter; I will give it its due: no more than 60 hours each week and my full attention while I am there but there are many jobs and if I lose this job, I will get another. My co-workers are those people who work at the same place I do, if they are amenable to the idea, I would be friends with them, but I do not require that, there are other places to make friends. My friends are just that - friends, we can plan and then go do things together, but they do not define me and they do not control me. My good friends (funny we don't have another word for that, eh?) are something more - we share life together, we value each other and make an effort to be a part of each other's lives, we ask hard questions of each other, expecting answers but not requiring them. We help each other out in hard times and we know that what we have is not contingent upon such flimsy conditions as emotions or geographic location. My neighborhood is just that - the place where I live, it is inherently no better and no worse than any other neighborhood in my city except in that is is closer or further from places I like to go or need to visit (like the grocery store). My favorite shops and stores are my favorites because they do what they do well, because they love what they do - whatever pretenses can be ascribed to them are forgivable. My hobbies let my soul soar - to see the splendor and majesty of the Rockies, to feel it and to know it with my hands, with my strength, with my eyes, but they do not define me and I am not their slave. My church is my church because most of the folks there are honest and love God and do their best to live it.

The battle with my Ego is not over, I know that. I know it will be a constant struggle for control, losing my focus for even a moment will give it an opening for attack that it may or may not take. I cannot rely on it to play fair, to stick to rules and not change the games it wants to play. I cannot even rely on myself to always want to regain control especially as I will make mistakes, but I can decide now that I am in control and that I do not want to let my ego control my life. This is going to be difficult, pray for me...

for a friend

so... wikipedia is on hard times.
and even though it has its weaknesses and flaws, it is one of my best resources for school - even though i can't cite anything i use from it, it is almost always the first place that i start when looking for information. so i donated.
and if you use it on a regular basis, you should too